Be Careful of "New Normal"

What exactly is a "New Normal".  It can take on many definitions.  However, be careful of New Normals.

New Normals are another form of an excuse.  When a family is new to the eating disordered world, they sometimes do not realize just how unbalanced their life has become.  An eating disorder is very insidious.  You sometimes do not see that the behavior of your loved one is completely out of control.  It is as though we almost become numb to their demands and their irrational behavior.

 We make excuses that they are "not that bad", "not that skinny", "not isolated from their friends", "they eat, but only really healthy foods", "they do not like it when I ask questions", etc. The excuses and their New Normal life continues with the eating disorder in complete control.  I know, I was there.  Our home life had become toxic.  No one spoke to one another for fear of what might happen.  We walked on eggshells.   We were afraid.  We were unhappy.  We let the eating disorder control the environment like a small tyrannical czar.  We also did not see what was happening.  It had become our "New Normal". 

It wasn't normal.  There was nothing normal about it.  It took a very skilled therapist to help me see what was happening.  It also forced my husband and me to take our power back as parents.  We could clearly see that the eating disorder was in control and that our "New Normal" was not normal and that our family was in trouble.  We needed to step up as parents and stop being afraid of this intruder called ED (acronym for eating disorder). 

We were prepared to do whatever it took to get our daughter to a healthy place in her life so she could  be successful.  We needed to adopt the mantra "Recovery around life, not life around recovery."  Recovery was first, everything else took a back seat.  School could wait, recovery could not.  It was difficult and it got worse before it got better.  However, once we took our power back from ED, it made both my husband and I stronger.  We worked as a team, together, not against one another as ED would have preferred.  See, ED likes to divide families and isolate his victims. 

As that scene in a very famous movie says "Be afraid, be very afraid", I say, do not be afraid -- you can conquer ED, as long as you conquer your "New Normal" as well.

My Rant to Good Housekeeping Magazine

Good afternoon ~

I usually do not write to magazines.  However, the September issue of Good Housekeeping, in short, totally ticked me off.  I like this magazine.  I like the recipes.  I like the articles (most of the time).  This issue, however, had a few items in there that I felt were very troubling.  The one that really got my heart pounding was their "Best tip we've heard this month" on page 77.  It states:

"Trick yourself into feeling full:  When study participants were given teaspoon-size sips of soup, they consumed 30% less than those whose premeasured mouthfuls were larger or who took as much as they wanted." 

SERIOUSLY!!! 

They also have an article entitled Rev Up Your Metabolism!  

Snippets such as these are not harmful to the general public.  However, if someone is struggling with body image issues, an eating disorder or has an unhealthy relationship with food, these can be damaging.  I felt very compelled to write them a letter.  Do I think it will get too far?  No.  It will go into the general e-mail file, but it sure made me feel better to write it.  We need to start speaking out against the need for an unrealistic definition of beauty and take a stand against the multi-billion dollar dieting industry.  Here is my letter:

Good afternoon ~

 I have been a lifelong subscriber to your magazine loving the advice, recipes, etc., you generously share with your reading audience.   I want to comment on your September issue depicting Trisha Yearwood on the cover.

 First, a little background.  My daughter suffered with anorexia for seven years.  This is not a mental illness I would wish on any family.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  People die from this disease.  I work with families who have a loved one with an eating disorder.   Their stories are heartbreaking and some have lost their daughters to this disease.  I believe, as a society, we need to stop putting so much emphasis on dieting, weight loss and appearances.   You cannot pick up a magazine without the “diet of the week” plastered all over the cover of the current issue.  It’s troubling. 

 To that end, there are a few items that I would like to take issue with in your September magazine. 

 On the cover:

~ Boost Your Metabolism – Foods that spark weight loss

~ Inside Trisha’s Fridge
~Trisha Yearwood – I’m 35 pounds lighter!  Her simple eating plan

 

Inside pages:

Page 42 – depicts a picture of the inside of Trisha Yearwood’s refrigerator

Page 77 – Best tip we’ve heard this month.  You go on to mention how you can trick yourself into feeling full. 
Page 89 – The Best Scales
 
While this may not seem to be damaging to you, to someone suffering with body image issues or in the throes of an eating disorder, these types of messages you are sending are dangerous.  Your “Best Tip” on page 77 is probably one of the most insane things I have ever read.  People suffering with eating disorders or those dissatisfied with their bodies read snippets such as these and it can open a door to something very ugly.  Also, highlighting the best scales is not necessary.   People with eating disorders weigh themselves constantly.   We do not need to see pictures of the latest scale with all the bells and whistles.  I haven’t owned a scale in years and I do not intend to invest in another one.    Also, depicting the inside of a refrigerator?  Bad idea. 

 Read  Ellyn Satter’s definition of normal eating:

 Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

 In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

 
I would challenge you to publish an issue that has nothing to do with dieting or weight loss tips of any kind.  Publish an issue on what it is like to eat normally. Focus on the HAES (Health at Every Size) movement.  Talk to the National Eating Disorders Association.  Talk to parents and friends who have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.  Hear their anguish and listen to how we have changed our view of what is beautiful.  I no longer comment on someone’s appearance.  I always say “it’s so nice to see you”. 

 Our obsession with weight loss in our society has taken a turn for the worse.  People are suffering due to an unrealistic expectation of what is beautiful and acceptable.   When did it stop being OK to be who we are?   I hope you take to heart and really think about what you are publishing in your magazine.   Become aware of what message you are sending to your audience. 

 

Let's all be aware of the messages we might be sending.  Let us be mindful of what is real and authentic in people.  L

 

Good afternoon and happy Monday ~ 

I do not watch much reality TV, but there is one show I find particularly interesting:  Catfish

It's premise is to connect people who have been chatting via the internet, with one usually deceiving the other in some way.  These people profess their love for each other without having ever met face to face.  It is interesting to see what drives individuals to maintain an online relationship and believe what some faceless someone is telling them about themselves.

I watched an episode recently that made me very sad.  In this particular episode, both individuals were pretending to be someone they were not.  They were truthful about their names, families and other situations in their lives.  What they were not truthful about was their appearance.  They each sent photographs to each other that were not what their true selves looked like.  The young lady sent photo shopped "thin" pictures of herself, while the young man sent a photo that depicted a very shapely man with six pack abs.

During the investigative process, it was discovered that the photos of the young man were not quite accurate.  He was confronted and very hesitant to meet this young lady.  She, in turn, wanted to meet him, but was scared due to the fact she had lied to him about her appearance.

They did end up meeting, she being more shocked than he was at what the other looked like. 

What struck up a sadness in me was their need to conform to some standard of appearance as to what is acceptable in today's society.  They both were ashamed of their appearance and did not like going out in public for fear of being judged and criticized.

What is happening?  When did it stop being acceptable to be who we are?  When are we going to stop judging people based on their appearance?  When will we learn to accept ourselves?

Take a stand, be courageous, set a good example for others.  Acceptance -- it's not that difficult. 

The two people in the Catfish episode mentioned above were going to visit one another in their respective states and see how it played out.  They seemed like good people.  It is a shame that society's standards prevented them from realizing that for themselves.  I hope in my heart that they find happiness with each other and learn that their appearance does not define or limit them.

Additional "mom" thoughts . . .

Following the last blog entry, here are some thoughts from the mother of our guest speaker.  All I can say is "I concur".  These are very good:

 

In hindsight, I wished that I had been better able to stand up against ED sooner  than I ended up doing.  In those days I thought that doing what my daughter wanted (like late nite grocery store runs) was helpful to her and would make things easier for her at a time I knew things were plenty difficult. I  But what I now see is that what I ended up doing was making things easier for ED… creating a comfy place for ED to roost…a place where ED called the shots and bullied everyone in the family.  I see now that although standing up to ED may have elicited a negative response from my daughter at the time, in the long run she needed her parents to take that strong position against the disorder because she herself could not do so.  I also realize that standing up to ED earlier was not likely to have made any difference in the duration of my daughter’s journey to recovery, but it WAS likely to have made me feel better about not being pushed around by the disorder, and  it MAY have created a better home environment where we had better boundaries.

  

I am a firm believer in doing things that “support recovery”.  You could hear me say that phrase over and over when faced with questions or situations that sounded more like “ED speak”.   I would say to my daughter things like, “Doing (xyz)  doesn’t  support recovery”  or  “Buying only xyz kinds of foods doesn’t  support recovery”.  It’s a nice way to address the issue while letting your loved one know where you stand.

 

As your loved one gets more rooted into recovery, sometimes it’s easy for parents to forget that struggles still come up for them.   Continue to be mindful of careless comments about body, looks, weight, size, how much the person sitting in the restaurant next to you is eating, etc.  I was reminded recently by my daughter that hearing me complain about my changing body was hard for her to hear.  Still learning! 

 

Good stuff and we thank her for sharing some additional insight.  I especially like her thoughts in the second paragraph.  We must always remember to not give the eating disorder any additional power or control.  We all want to avoid the rages of the eating disorder behavior -- it can get ugly, but cowering to it's threats will not make it go away.  Strength, perseverance and consistency is the key.

Saying to them when they are being irrational, statements such as "Honey, I love you, but I will talk with you when I feel respected," will let them know they are loved while still setting a very strict boundary of what you will and will not tolerate.     

 

 

 

A Different Perspective . . .

Last Monday at our support group meeting, we had the pleasure of having two guest speakers.  A young lady who has recovered from her eating disorder and  her wonderful mother.  They were able to provide the group with a perspective only derived from someone who has "been there, done that".

During their nine year journey the mother watched her daughter struggle to gain independence over her eating disorder and the daughter finally reached a point where she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The meeting was emotional on so many levels.  I think the one realization that is hard to come to grips with as a parent is that this is their journey, their path and they must choose their recovery.  Each family dynamic is different, however, and we must always be ready to intervene when it is medically necessary.

I am listing below the comments I received from parents following the meeting.   I asked for their "ah-ha" moments.  If we can find a way to look at this differently, change our perspective, it can be very valuable.  Here is what they had to say --

One statement that resonated with me was that even though sometimes she would tell her mom she was "fine", her mom would know that she wasn't really fine some days. Her mom would make it a point to be there with her daughter.  She seemed to be comforted by the presence of her mom. Even if she didn't realize it at the time, she seemed grateful for that now.

Say I love you, and I believe in you.

Never answer the question "how do I look?"    Simply respond by saying “I am not going to respond to that question.”

Don't engage the ED behaviors - walk away.

Keep meal conversations on the light side.  She said she was already stressing out with food issues and didn't want to talk about that.

Mom said one of her hardest realizations was knowing that ultimately her daughter was the only one who could control her recovery.

She  said she wished she had signed up for more activities when she started college as a means of distraction, or to stay socially engaged.

 When you see your daughter is feeling low, bad, anxious, take a moment not to talk about ED or "it". Never bring that up or ask about it unless she does and then just let her talk.   Just say to her, " I believe in you; I love you; and I know  that you are working through everything that you need to in order to be well."

 Even though she may not want food care packages when she is away at college, she does want notes, cards, silly fun games or puzzles, fuzzy socks etc.  They are reminders that she is loved and supported always.

 Food is stressful,  don't ever use meal times to talk about heavy topics (i.e., grandmas illness, tasks that need to be completed, problems between siblings, etc.) Keep meal times fun with light conversation, talking about funny YouTube videos, silly pet shenanigans, family vacations, etc.

When she yells at you that she is FINE and needs hers space and to just get off her back, she is probably NOT ok.  FINE may stand for screwed up, insecure, not ok, neurotic, emotional.   When she says that and she's most angry, tell her you love her and believe in her. Tell her that you are here to listen.  Play scrabble, take a walk.  Don't talk about “ED” or “IT”.   Let her talk if she will.  IF she won't talk, then give her some space and then say it all again later.

It may take a day or two for her even to talk to you and it may not be about what's bothering her but she knows she is good and loved and capable and that you haven't given up on her.

 If your daughter asks you if she looks fat in an outfit or asks you to comment on how she looks, DO NOT say you're always beautiful, or you look great or fine,  just say, " I'm not answering that question." DO NOT ENGAGE  in that conversation, as it can be very triggering.

During recovery struggles or transitions (coming home from college for the summer, holiday breaks, etc.) it is ok to simply not buy binge trigger foods.  Let her work with her counselor or buy the item(s) herself as she feels ready to take that challenge.

 When your daughter is having a bad day or a relapse,  that may be when she goes back to her meanest outbursts....when she does that,  she is most likely/comfortable responding like she would at the age of the beginning of her diagnosis.  If she began her disorder at 14 and she's been in recovery for 3 years and has a bad day, she may yell at you in the way a 14 year would instead of a 17 or 18 year old. The emotional maturity seems so be slower but don't lose hope, it does happen, just slower.

She said just having her family be there and not necessarily saying something to them when they are upset or having a bad day/battling ED. 

Keeping her busy after a meal!  Going for a walk, playing cards or her playing the piano .

 

You will notice some of the "ah-ha" moments are very similar.  This tells me our struggles are the same in many ways.   We experience the same heartache, the same frustration and the same sadness at feeling so utterly helpless. 

 

I learned many lessons during my daughter's struggle with anorexia.  I realized it was not my fault; however, I did contribute to it's longevity (with the best of intentions, mind you!)  As stated above, it is important to not engage the behavior.   It is not easy.  The whole situation makes no sense to us; however it shouldn't make sense.  Eating disorders are not sensible!  They are ruthless and destructive.  Don't let it bring you down, too.  Do not give it any more power than it already has.  Stand strong and do not be afraid.  Take the wind out of it's sails.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.   This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Remember to breathe, remember to pray, remember your child is there and fighting to find their own voice, struggling to trust themselves again.

 

Seasons of Life

I believe life is comprised of different seasons -- not the ones provided by the changes in the weather -- but the ones provided by life's circumstances.

Seasons can be quiet, seasons can be difficult and seasons can be just hard for us to understand.

The season of my daughter's eating disorder was difficult.  It consisted mainly of anger, frustration and sadness.  Anger at the situation, coupled with the frustration and sadness of not being able to fix the situation.  It was a constant merry-go-round of the same emotions and it was exhausting.

Looking back on that particular season of my life, I view it much differently now.  Does it still make my stomach lurch thinking about those days?  You bet.  It was not fun.  It was hard -- every day was hard.  Living daily knowing that this eating disorder could take your child's life in a whisper was hard.  Parents have often described it to me as "a living hell".  I cannot disagree.

It made me a bitter person.  It took therapy and a return to my faith to help me see that the change needed to start with me.  I needed to learn to forgive, not only my daughter but myself as well, in order to start moving forward with a life that I had basically stopped living many years ago.  The eating disorder had stolen my joy. 

Seasons.  My current season of life is good.  Very good.  This past Spring I read a wonderful book entitled "One Thousand Gifts" and what a gift it was.  The author dares you to live fully right where you are and, despite your circumstances, to find joy in even the most tragic of situations or circumstances.  That book really rocked my world and my thought process.  Really?  Find some joy, something to be thankful for in each situation?  Really?  Truly?  Yessiree! 

I put it into practice a few weeks ago as I lay beside my wonderful dog and companion of almost 11 years as she took her last breath.  Her illness came on suddenly and within three days she was gone.  As the doctor gave her the injection that would end her suffering, I thanked God for her loyalty and the happiness she brought to our family and found my joy in being able to give her this final gift.  I was able to smile a little and it made the pain lessen just a bit.

Having a loved one with an eating disorder brings so much pain and heartache both emotionally and physically upon us.  If we can find something, even one thing, to be thankful for at the end of the day, the burden will be lighter, even if it is for just a moment.  Own that moment and be thankful in that moment.

In this season of my life I am enjoying my first grandchild.  Watching my daughter care and nurture her son is, well, joyous!   Spending time with her is different now.  The pain of the past is a memory and through all that heartache it brought us here, to this season, of a new birth and a new beginning.

 

What One Thing . . .

Good afternoon ~

Those of us who have been through the trials of having a loved one with an eating disorder, often get asked the same question -- what was the one thing you did that helped the most.

For me, honestly, I just do not know.  I can only say that it was when I started taking care of myself and stopped being afraid of the disease itself.  I stopped looking at myself as another victim of the disease.

Recently, we had a young lady come to the support group and she was asked what her mother did that was most helpful during her struggle with her eating disorder.  She stated "she never stopped believing in me."  Very simple, but very powerful.

Those that are in the throes of this disease, believe they are not worthy of getting healthy -- they believe the lies the eating disorder constantly tells them.

If we, as their loved ones, never lose hope, never stop believing in them an their ability to recover, we are sending a powerful message to our loved ones and to the eating disorder itself.

New Changes in the New Year

Welcome 2013 ~ 

As we hear about resolutions for the new year, I do ponder what I wish would be different or could be different.  It really comes down to what I can control and what I cannot.  What I choose and what I do not choose.

One thing I do choose is happiness.  I believe happiness is a choice.  However, just because we are happy does not mean there is no pain or difficulty in our lives.  Life is full of hard times and tears -- that is what keeps us human.  

I try to find a few things each day that made me happy and I write them down.  The sun will set on this day and the sun will rise again in the morning to start a new day.  We do not know what that new day will bring, as that is one thing we do not have control over.  What we can control is how we respond to that day.  

It really is easier said than done -- it does take practice to keep your focus on that glass being half full instead of half empty.  

That is my goal for this new year -- to be happy.  To thank God for all His blessings and know he has my back.