Rebuilding a Spine

At our last support group meeting, we discussed the importance of supporting our loved ones, but being strong enough to not support their eating disorder and it's accompanying manipulative behavior.  We discussed how important it was to do our own work. Get help for ourselves, either through a support group or a personal therapist. 

What exactly does that mean?  It means that we cannot expect our loved ones to be the only ones to change.  We need to change, too.  How?  It depends on your family dynamics.  For me, it was relinquishing control.  It was realizing I could not make my child recover from the eating disorder.  What I could do was change how I responded to the eating disorder.  That is what rebuilding a spine is all about.  Getting stronger.  Behaving differently.  Not engaging the eating disorder behavior.  I could love my child, but I set a firm boundary that the eating disorder behavior was not welcome.  It's not easy and cannot be accomplished in a day.  Start small, build that spine a little at a time.  Change is difficult, but you won't regret it.

Whose in Charge?

I had lunch a few days ago with a mom and dad whose daughter is suffering from anorexia.  The exhaustion on their faces was evident; the dark circles under their eyes telling me that sleep was not on their agenda.  They told me of their daughter's "rages", how they are afraid of what to say and do for fear she will become upset.  I shared with them my own experiences of my daughter's similar behavior; or, should I say, the behavior of the eating disorder.  It is important to distinguish between the two.  Those "rages" are the eating disorder letting you know it is large and in charge.  Catering to this behavior will only make it stronger.  Pretty soon the whole family is "walking on eggshells" afraid to cause any upset.  This is what the eating disorder craves.  Control -- control over their environment and it's inhabitants. 

We live in fear each day knowing our loved ones could die from this disease.  Letting it rule the roost is not the answer.  I encouraged these parents to get help for themselves and to find some normalcy in their lives.  Their other children need healthy parents and they need to mirror what they want for their ill daughter -- good health and happiness. 

When those "rages" occur simply say something like "honey, I love you, but I will talk to you when I feel respected."  In that simple statement you are telling the eating disorder, very clearly, what you will and will not tolerate. It sends a powerful message:  I love you, but until I feel respected, there will be no dialogue.  Not engaging the eating disorder causes it to loose steam. 

I always encourage parents to talk to their treatment team before implementing any change.  I can only tell them what worked for me and what I learned through the many years of my daughter's illness. 

Change is Needed

Happy New Year.

I do hope this year brings some needed changes in the way society views beauty.  We are bombarded daily with the latest in beauty products that will make us beautiful, make us look younger.  We also have the diet of the week.  Let me ask you this -- when did it stop being OK for us to just be us?  When did being thin and beautiful equal happiness?  I don't own a scale and since walking alongside my daughter during her seven year battle with anorexia, I will never again own a scale.  Numbers do not define who we are.  If diets actually worked, there would not be so many of them making false promises that we will be happy if we just lost that weight.   The messages they are sending are dangerous and can lead to life threatening eating disorders.  Watch this video from the Dove Self Esteem Campaign and ask yourself:  What messages am I sending?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6JvK0W60I