At our support group meeting last Monday, we had a guest speaker who shared her journey of hope through her daughter's eating disorder.
She talked about the “wasted time” of denial, trying to solve and fix which lead to co-dependency. She was a friend of her daughter’s disease. She also spoke of the “why me, why us” scenario. I remember doing that many times – my own personal pity party. Truly wasted time.
As AA does, you do need to give it up to whatever your higher power is. It sounds cliché’, but it is so beneficial. When you realize you have no control over this disease and what it does, you will be lighter. One important statement she made that really stuck with me is this:
Let them own their disorder. We, as loved ones, can provide services, i.e., resources, taking them to appointments, etc. Keeping ourselves separate from the disease sends a powerful statement to the disease.
She then stressed the importance of getting help – for everyone. This is a family disease. You need to forgive yourself from mistakes made in the past and understand the importance that the sufferer and you need separate paths. It reminds me of the analogy of the ED sufferer as a person who is drowning. You need to throw them a life ring. If you jump in and join them, you will both drown. We each need to do our own work. If your child will not seek help, then you go seek help for yourself. If nothing else, you will learn how to model your behavior to something the sufferer might learn from.
Also, own what is yours to own. If you are doing the best you can, move on. If you know in your heart of hearts you can do better, take steps to make it better, especially for you individually. When we are better, they will notice. It is important to mirror for them what we want for them. This is not easy at all, but just one small step at a time will turn into very large accomplishments, as well as one small change after understanding that accomplishment will make all the difference in recovery.
Her daughter makes a great effort to practice her recovery every day. She makes good solid behavior choices and is doing well in her life. Her daughter uses the recovery skills she learned in treatment every day and so does this wonderful mother. Her face exudes joy. She always makes an effort to continue to model her own behavior to show her daughter what she wants for her daughter’s life and to show her just how fantastic life can be. She talked about how wonderful life can be when your journey takes you completely through all the steps to successful recovery. Let them see that you have self-worth and dreams and they will realize that they do as well. Let them see that you have hope in them and that their dreams are important.
A few comments were shared following the discussion that they must own the disease and we must detach from the disease. For those with younger children with an eating disorder it was confusing as to how we can detach when they need us to take them to appointments, etc. We can provide services to them without getting involved in their disordered behavior. Give their disease back to them and let them own it.
She also shared that a therapist told her, yes, she is a child, but she has a very adult disease. Some were confused about that statement. We must realize that we are not dealing with a case of chicken pox that will just pass through. This disease is much stronger and has many levels. Detaching ourselves from the disease isn’t easy. It took me years to detach. However, when I did, I got stronger and the disease lost steam.
My own personal journey was a painful one. I am still in therapy and I am still recovering. Having a child with a life threatening disease is not something you can easily let go. You can, however, move past it and embrace the here and now and share your own story of hope and recovery. Recovery, on both sides, is a great place to be.
