Additional "mom" thoughts . . .

Following the last blog entry, here are some thoughts from the mother of our guest speaker.  All I can say is "I concur".  These are very good:

 

In hindsight, I wished that I had been better able to stand up against ED sooner  than I ended up doing.  In those days I thought that doing what my daughter wanted (like late nite grocery store runs) was helpful to her and would make things easier for her at a time I knew things were plenty difficult. I  But what I now see is that what I ended up doing was making things easier for ED… creating a comfy place for ED to roost…a place where ED called the shots and bullied everyone in the family.  I see now that although standing up to ED may have elicited a negative response from my daughter at the time, in the long run she needed her parents to take that strong position against the disorder because she herself could not do so.  I also realize that standing up to ED earlier was not likely to have made any difference in the duration of my daughter’s journey to recovery, but it WAS likely to have made me feel better about not being pushed around by the disorder, and  it MAY have created a better home environment where we had better boundaries.

  

I am a firm believer in doing things that “support recovery”.  You could hear me say that phrase over and over when faced with questions or situations that sounded more like “ED speak”.   I would say to my daughter things like, “Doing (xyz)  doesn’t  support recovery”  or  “Buying only xyz kinds of foods doesn’t  support recovery”.  It’s a nice way to address the issue while letting your loved one know where you stand.

 

As your loved one gets more rooted into recovery, sometimes it’s easy for parents to forget that struggles still come up for them.   Continue to be mindful of careless comments about body, looks, weight, size, how much the person sitting in the restaurant next to you is eating, etc.  I was reminded recently by my daughter that hearing me complain about my changing body was hard for her to hear.  Still learning! 

 

Good stuff and we thank her for sharing some additional insight.  I especially like her thoughts in the second paragraph.  We must always remember to not give the eating disorder any additional power or control.  We all want to avoid the rages of the eating disorder behavior -- it can get ugly, but cowering to it's threats will not make it go away.  Strength, perseverance and consistency is the key.

Saying to them when they are being irrational, statements such as "Honey, I love you, but I will talk with you when I feel respected," will let them know they are loved while still setting a very strict boundary of what you will and will not tolerate.     

 

 

 

A Different Perspective . . .

Last Monday at our support group meeting, we had the pleasure of having two guest speakers.  A young lady who has recovered from her eating disorder and  her wonderful mother.  They were able to provide the group with a perspective only derived from someone who has "been there, done that".

During their nine year journey the mother watched her daughter struggle to gain independence over her eating disorder and the daughter finally reached a point where she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The meeting was emotional on so many levels.  I think the one realization that is hard to come to grips with as a parent is that this is their journey, their path and they must choose their recovery.  Each family dynamic is different, however, and we must always be ready to intervene when it is medically necessary.

I am listing below the comments I received from parents following the meeting.   I asked for their "ah-ha" moments.  If we can find a way to look at this differently, change our perspective, it can be very valuable.  Here is what they had to say --

One statement that resonated with me was that even though sometimes she would tell her mom she was "fine", her mom would know that she wasn't really fine some days. Her mom would make it a point to be there with her daughter.  She seemed to be comforted by the presence of her mom. Even if she didn't realize it at the time, she seemed grateful for that now.

Say I love you, and I believe in you.

Never answer the question "how do I look?"    Simply respond by saying “I am not going to respond to that question.”

Don't engage the ED behaviors - walk away.

Keep meal conversations on the light side.  She said she was already stressing out with food issues and didn't want to talk about that.

Mom said one of her hardest realizations was knowing that ultimately her daughter was the only one who could control her recovery.

She  said she wished she had signed up for more activities when she started college as a means of distraction, or to stay socially engaged.

 When you see your daughter is feeling low, bad, anxious, take a moment not to talk about ED or "it". Never bring that up or ask about it unless she does and then just let her talk.   Just say to her, " I believe in you; I love you; and I know  that you are working through everything that you need to in order to be well."

 Even though she may not want food care packages when she is away at college, she does want notes, cards, silly fun games or puzzles, fuzzy socks etc.  They are reminders that she is loved and supported always.

 Food is stressful,  don't ever use meal times to talk about heavy topics (i.e., grandmas illness, tasks that need to be completed, problems between siblings, etc.) Keep meal times fun with light conversation, talking about funny YouTube videos, silly pet shenanigans, family vacations, etc.

When she yells at you that she is FINE and needs hers space and to just get off her back, she is probably NOT ok.  FINE may stand for screwed up, insecure, not ok, neurotic, emotional.   When she says that and she's most angry, tell her you love her and believe in her. Tell her that you are here to listen.  Play scrabble, take a walk.  Don't talk about “ED” or “IT”.   Let her talk if she will.  IF she won't talk, then give her some space and then say it all again later.

It may take a day or two for her even to talk to you and it may not be about what's bothering her but she knows she is good and loved and capable and that you haven't given up on her.

 If your daughter asks you if she looks fat in an outfit or asks you to comment on how she looks, DO NOT say you're always beautiful, or you look great or fine,  just say, " I'm not answering that question." DO NOT ENGAGE  in that conversation, as it can be very triggering.

During recovery struggles or transitions (coming home from college for the summer, holiday breaks, etc.) it is ok to simply not buy binge trigger foods.  Let her work with her counselor or buy the item(s) herself as she feels ready to take that challenge.

 When your daughter is having a bad day or a relapse,  that may be when she goes back to her meanest outbursts....when she does that,  she is most likely/comfortable responding like she would at the age of the beginning of her diagnosis.  If she began her disorder at 14 and she's been in recovery for 3 years and has a bad day, she may yell at you in the way a 14 year would instead of a 17 or 18 year old. The emotional maturity seems so be slower but don't lose hope, it does happen, just slower.

She said just having her family be there and not necessarily saying something to them when they are upset or having a bad day/battling ED. 

Keeping her busy after a meal!  Going for a walk, playing cards or her playing the piano .

 

You will notice some of the "ah-ha" moments are very similar.  This tells me our struggles are the same in many ways.   We experience the same heartache, the same frustration and the same sadness at feeling so utterly helpless. 

 

I learned many lessons during my daughter's struggle with anorexia.  I realized it was not my fault; however, I did contribute to it's longevity (with the best of intentions, mind you!)  As stated above, it is important to not engage the behavior.   It is not easy.  The whole situation makes no sense to us; however it shouldn't make sense.  Eating disorders are not sensible!  They are ruthless and destructive.  Don't let it bring you down, too.  Do not give it any more power than it already has.  Stand strong and do not be afraid.  Take the wind out of it's sails.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.   This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Remember to breathe, remember to pray, remember your child is there and fighting to find their own voice, struggling to trust themselves again.