I wanted to share with all of you a letter I received from a lovely woman who has recovered from her eating disorder. She had contacted me and asked me what it was that I thought the members of the support group needed most. That is a loaded question -- there is so much we need. On a very basic level, we just do not know what to do sometimes. The day to day care takes its toll and we just need someone to throw us a rope so we can just hang on. I thought her response was very good and I have her permission to share it with you:
In
service to creating more peace, love, and a stronger recovery for those with an
eating disorder, I have compiled some invaluable tools I wish my family would
have implemented when I was in recovery. I learned how to cultivate these qualities
on my own, and I want others to have access to what helped me. I believe this information will provide much
needed guidance to parents as they move through the process of recovery.
A
little about my journey that would have been helpful for others to understand:
At
the most basic level, I was terrified. I
was terrified before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and into my
initial recovery. In the recovery phase
I felt like I was being asked to die, which I know sounds a little morbid,
probably because it is! But, this is what many who struggle with an eating
disorder experience… that level of terror. This needs to be understood and taken into
consideration. I cannot emphasize this enough because until a great degree of
empathy can be cultivated, a sense of alienation will exist between parent and
child.
As
the parent, one of the most powerful things you can do, in my opinion, is
really try to imagine what your child is experiencing. It does not have to make sense to you (the
fear of fat for example) because you can still attune to what it feels like to
be filled with fear or powerless. All of
us know what these feelings are like.
Put yourself in their shoes for a day.
Why? Because this will breed a
deeper level of understanding and heart connection, which is essential on their
journey back to health. Your child needs
your love above all else. The thing with
this is, to know it is not enough. To mentally understand your child needs love
is not actually delivering the love. So
how do you do this, how do you remain loving when you yourself are scared?
The
first thing is to be in charge of your own inner-world. When fear prevails
within you, your words and actions are different than if you are rooted in the
love and understanding that you can do this. You both can do this. I know it is
hard, but many families have walked this and have made it through. The ones that make it with the most ease and
grace, are filled with members who are each choosing to take ownership of his
or her inner-state. Rather than being a
victim to the situation, what needs to happen for you to empower yourself
again?
If
you find yourself spinning out, what choices could you make to help you
re-center yourself? Do you need to make a phone call, go for a walk, or pray?
Whatever it is, if you are grounded within yourself, you are providing your
child with an anchor they can count on. In my own life, I never felt I had that
anchoring in my home, and the value of it would have been out of this world.
This lack of feeling safe inside of oneself is such a huge part of an eating
disorder, and although you cannot change their inner-world directly, you can
affect it indirectly. Be the example. Be the rock. Be the one who learns how to
find her own footing, no matter what is happening. Children need this. I needed this, and I doubt I was different
than other young women who are experiencing an eating disorder.
Another
huge and powerful consideration as a parent is in developing a sense of
compassion for your child’s sense of self.
Can you hold compassion for the degree of inner-judgment that is a part
of eating disorders? If you cannot, how can she? Until your child can learn how to do this for
him or herself, you are the teacher.
Compassion is an art, and unfortunately often dismissed as a weak and
feminine healing tool, which is ironic because an eating disorder feeds off
lack of compassion. Compassion for the self is the most courageous act anyone
can ever partake in.
I
would suggest taking some time to imagine what it would be like to exist within
a body where you truly believed that you were disgusting or terrible. Not just
felt this way, but believed it to be true. What would this mean for you? What
would your life be like? How would you feel and what choices would you
make? Again, put yourself in their shoes
to know what is going on for them. We
heal through compassion, not being “fixed,” which just insinuates that there
really is something inherently wrong with us.
And an answer, the magical formula of the diet is a just another way to
stay rigid and reinforce the “good and bad” duality of suffering. Letting go can be done, people just need
guidance on how to do this. There are professionals and spiritual teachers that
can be the teacher when the student decides he or she is ready.
It
took me many years to peel back the layers of the onion, and I would have loved
to have an advocate, cheerleader, strong and stable presence, and most
importantly to have learned through example how to be compassionate with
myself. Just like Ghandi says, “Be the
change you wish to see in the world.” You can be this for your child. You can
be their guide to self-love, self-compassion, and a grounded presence. This is what is going to help them more than
anything else- a loving and strong parent.
Finally,
my last nugget here is to be mindful that you do not associate being loving
with your child with being a push-over.
When I use the word loving, I am referring to the highest possible
good. Sometimes what the highest good is
for someone is not what he or she wants.
This is where it may become about you… if you are having a hard time
with implementing the highest good for your son or daughter because it triggers
you, then the work becomes about clearing up what needs attention within your
own being so you can show up as the most powerful and amazing version of you
possible. Taking care of you is taking care of your child.
More
important than what you are doing, is how you are being. And you will always know if you simply check
in with yourself and attune to what is happening inside of your body. If I can
help with some tools to assist the parents learn how to do this, I am more than
happy to assist you in that way.
It
is my hope that you found this helpful. My heart goes out to all of you who are
experiencing challenges at this time. If
you have questions on what I have shared with you, please feel free to contact
me directly at lbwirth@gmail.com. I would be happy to pass along
more information to you or to set up a time to talk.
Many
Blessings,
Lesley
Wirth
