A Different Perspective . . .

Last Monday at our support group meeting, we had the pleasure of having two guest speakers.  A young lady who has recovered from her eating disorder and  her wonderful mother.  They were able to provide the group with a perspective only derived from someone who has "been there, done that".

During their nine year journey the mother watched her daughter struggle to gain independence over her eating disorder and the daughter finally reached a point where she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The meeting was emotional on so many levels.  I think the one realization that is hard to come to grips with as a parent is that this is their journey, their path and they must choose their recovery.  Each family dynamic is different, however, and we must always be ready to intervene when it is medically necessary.

I am listing below the comments I received from parents following the meeting.   I asked for their "ah-ha" moments.  If we can find a way to look at this differently, change our perspective, it can be very valuable.  Here is what they had to say --

One statement that resonated with me was that even though sometimes she would tell her mom she was "fine", her mom would know that she wasn't really fine some days. Her mom would make it a point to be there with her daughter.  She seemed to be comforted by the presence of her mom. Even if she didn't realize it at the time, she seemed grateful for that now.

Say I love you, and I believe in you.

Never answer the question "how do I look?"    Simply respond by saying “I am not going to respond to that question.”

Don't engage the ED behaviors - walk away.

Keep meal conversations on the light side.  She said she was already stressing out with food issues and didn't want to talk about that.

Mom said one of her hardest realizations was knowing that ultimately her daughter was the only one who could control her recovery.

She  said she wished she had signed up for more activities when she started college as a means of distraction, or to stay socially engaged.

 When you see your daughter is feeling low, bad, anxious, take a moment not to talk about ED or "it". Never bring that up or ask about it unless she does and then just let her talk.   Just say to her, " I believe in you; I love you; and I know  that you are working through everything that you need to in order to be well."

 Even though she may not want food care packages when she is away at college, she does want notes, cards, silly fun games or puzzles, fuzzy socks etc.  They are reminders that she is loved and supported always.

 Food is stressful,  don't ever use meal times to talk about heavy topics (i.e., grandmas illness, tasks that need to be completed, problems between siblings, etc.) Keep meal times fun with light conversation, talking about funny YouTube videos, silly pet shenanigans, family vacations, etc.

When she yells at you that she is FINE and needs hers space and to just get off her back, she is probably NOT ok.  FINE may stand for screwed up, insecure, not ok, neurotic, emotional.   When she says that and she's most angry, tell her you love her and believe in her. Tell her that you are here to listen.  Play scrabble, take a walk.  Don't talk about “ED” or “IT”.   Let her talk if she will.  IF she won't talk, then give her some space and then say it all again later.

It may take a day or two for her even to talk to you and it may not be about what's bothering her but she knows she is good and loved and capable and that you haven't given up on her.

 If your daughter asks you if she looks fat in an outfit or asks you to comment on how she looks, DO NOT say you're always beautiful, or you look great or fine,  just say, " I'm not answering that question." DO NOT ENGAGE  in that conversation, as it can be very triggering.

During recovery struggles or transitions (coming home from college for the summer, holiday breaks, etc.) it is ok to simply not buy binge trigger foods.  Let her work with her counselor or buy the item(s) herself as she feels ready to take that challenge.

 When your daughter is having a bad day or a relapse,  that may be when she goes back to her meanest outbursts....when she does that,  she is most likely/comfortable responding like she would at the age of the beginning of her diagnosis.  If she began her disorder at 14 and she's been in recovery for 3 years and has a bad day, she may yell at you in the way a 14 year would instead of a 17 or 18 year old. The emotional maturity seems so be slower but don't lose hope, it does happen, just slower.

She said just having her family be there and not necessarily saying something to them when they are upset or having a bad day/battling ED. 

Keeping her busy after a meal!  Going for a walk, playing cards or her playing the piano .

 

You will notice some of the "ah-ha" moments are very similar.  This tells me our struggles are the same in many ways.   We experience the same heartache, the same frustration and the same sadness at feeling so utterly helpless. 

 

I learned many lessons during my daughter's struggle with anorexia.  I realized it was not my fault; however, I did contribute to it's longevity (with the best of intentions, mind you!)  As stated above, it is important to not engage the behavior.   It is not easy.  The whole situation makes no sense to us; however it shouldn't make sense.  Eating disorders are not sensible!  They are ruthless and destructive.  Don't let it bring you down, too.  Do not give it any more power than it already has.  Stand strong and do not be afraid.  Take the wind out of it's sails.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.   This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Remember to breathe, remember to pray, remember your child is there and fighting to find their own voice, struggling to trust themselves again.

 

Seasons of Life

I believe life is comprised of different seasons -- not the ones provided by the changes in the weather -- but the ones provided by life's circumstances.

Seasons can be quiet, seasons can be difficult and seasons can be just hard for us to understand.

The season of my daughter's eating disorder was difficult.  It consisted mainly of anger, frustration and sadness.  Anger at the situation, coupled with the frustration and sadness of not being able to fix the situation.  It was a constant merry-go-round of the same emotions and it was exhausting.

Looking back on that particular season of my life, I view it much differently now.  Does it still make my stomach lurch thinking about those days?  You bet.  It was not fun.  It was hard -- every day was hard.  Living daily knowing that this eating disorder could take your child's life in a whisper was hard.  Parents have often described it to me as "a living hell".  I cannot disagree.

It made me a bitter person.  It took therapy and a return to my faith to help me see that the change needed to start with me.  I needed to learn to forgive, not only my daughter but myself as well, in order to start moving forward with a life that I had basically stopped living many years ago.  The eating disorder had stolen my joy. 

Seasons.  My current season of life is good.  Very good.  This past Spring I read a wonderful book entitled "One Thousand Gifts" and what a gift it was.  The author dares you to live fully right where you are and, despite your circumstances, to find joy in even the most tragic of situations or circumstances.  That book really rocked my world and my thought process.  Really?  Find some joy, something to be thankful for in each situation?  Really?  Truly?  Yessiree! 

I put it into practice a few weeks ago as I lay beside my wonderful dog and companion of almost 11 years as she took her last breath.  Her illness came on suddenly and within three days she was gone.  As the doctor gave her the injection that would end her suffering, I thanked God for her loyalty and the happiness she brought to our family and found my joy in being able to give her this final gift.  I was able to smile a little and it made the pain lessen just a bit.

Having a loved one with an eating disorder brings so much pain and heartache both emotionally and physically upon us.  If we can find something, even one thing, to be thankful for at the end of the day, the burden will be lighter, even if it is for just a moment.  Own that moment and be thankful in that moment.

In this season of my life I am enjoying my first grandchild.  Watching my daughter care and nurture her son is, well, joyous!   Spending time with her is different now.  The pain of the past is a memory and through all that heartache it brought us here, to this season, of a new birth and a new beginning.

 

What One Thing . . .

Good afternoon ~

Those of us who have been through the trials of having a loved one with an eating disorder, often get asked the same question -- what was the one thing you did that helped the most.

For me, honestly, I just do not know.  I can only say that it was when I started taking care of myself and stopped being afraid of the disease itself.  I stopped looking at myself as another victim of the disease.

Recently, we had a young lady come to the support group and she was asked what her mother did that was most helpful during her struggle with her eating disorder.  She stated "she never stopped believing in me."  Very simple, but very powerful.

Those that are in the throes of this disease, believe they are not worthy of getting healthy -- they believe the lies the eating disorder constantly tells them.

If we, as their loved ones, never lose hope, never stop believing in them an their ability to recover, we are sending a powerful message to our loved ones and to the eating disorder itself.

New Changes in the New Year

Welcome 2013 ~ 

As we hear about resolutions for the new year, I do ponder what I wish would be different or could be different.  It really comes down to what I can control and what I cannot.  What I choose and what I do not choose.

One thing I do choose is happiness.  I believe happiness is a choice.  However, just because we are happy does not mean there is no pain or difficulty in our lives.  Life is full of hard times and tears -- that is what keeps us human.  

I try to find a few things each day that made me happy and I write them down.  The sun will set on this day and the sun will rise again in the morning to start a new day.  We do not know what that new day will bring, as that is one thing we do not have control over.  What we can control is how we respond to that day.  

It really is easier said than done -- it does take practice to keep your focus on that glass being half full instead of half empty.  

That is my goal for this new year -- to be happy.  To thank God for all His blessings and know he has my back.  

The Dreaded Holidays

The Holiday Season is upon us.  For most families, it is a time of joyous celebration.  We celebrate this season in many different ways.  However, most of these celebrations are focused around food and for those suffering with eating disorders it is a time of tremendous anxiety.

At our last meeting, we had a young lady share with us her journey through anorexia and bulimia.  She has been behavior free for one year.  However, the Holidays were a time of great angst for her and as they approached, her anxiety increased which also increased her eating disorder behaviors.

The individuals present at the meeting wanted to know how she came to recover and what tips did she have for navigating the Holidays.  

Her answer about recovery was quite simple -- she got sick and tired of being sick and tired.  She wanted to get better.  She wanted a life outside of her disorder.  She stayed in treatment and worked hard to accept herself.  She set boundaries with friends and kept people around her that were not toxic to her recovery.  If it meant severing a friendship, then so be it.  It was not easy, but she is happy with who she is and we applaud her for that.

She now looks at Holiday meals as just that -- another meal.  It's a time to nourish our bodies.  We do not need to stuff them beyond capacity, but if we want another piece of pie -- that's OK.  She commented on how common it is for people to not eat meals prior to having a Holiday dinner.  Our bodies still need food and to wait until late afternoon to nourish our body is just not a good idea.  I agree.  It is just another meal in our day.  What is a young child thinking when he sees mom or dad not eating all day to justify eating a meal later in the day?  Something to ponder, isn't it. When did they acquire labels such as "good" and "bad"?  Food is food.  It nourishes us, it satisfies us.  It is not our enemy.  

How many times have you said "oh, I'm going to be bad and have dessert" or "I was so bad today, I had a piece of cheesecake".  It's just food.  Be careful what messages you are sending.  

People come in all shapes and sizes.  When did it stop being OK to be who we are?  

What Would I Have Done Differently?

I often get asked the same question:  If I had the ability to change the past, what is the one thing I would do different in the way I dealt with my daughter's eating disorder.  Quite frankly, there are many things I would do different.  However, if I had to pick just one . . .

I would not be afraid.  I would not give the disease any power over my own emotions.  My fear of her illness gave her eating disorder a comfortable place to live.  Because I did not want to cause any upheaval in the house, I walked lightly and did not say much.  As a consequence, the eating disorder behavior and the eating disorder voice grew stronger.  As it gained strength, I became more fearful.

Treatment has come a long way in the last ten years -- thank goodness!  Parents are more involved in the process of recovery and it is important that we not be afraid of this disease.  We must take a firm stand against it's accusations, it's blame, it's threats.  Are we scared?  You bet we are!  That is why it is so important to get help for ourselves through this journey.  I cannot say that enough.  It was a pivotal point for  my husband and myself.  We learned better ways to cope and we also learned to recognize the eating disorder voice and not to fear it.  We learned to be strong and we learned to stand united.

Healing From the Inside Out

Happy Monday.  Many apologies for the long absence.  I really have no excuse -- Summer got in the way, work got in the way, life got in the way.  However, I sense a hint of Fall in the air and that always lifts my spirits.  Fall weather is the best!

At our recent support group meetings, we have talked about recovery -- when does it happen, what does it look like.  There is no cookie cutter approach to recovery.  The common thread we see is that it has to start with the sufferer.  We cannot bargain and deal with the eating disorder.  It does not want to recover.  We need to help our loved ones see that they are worth it, they do count and that they need to stop listening to that voice that tells them otherwise.  It is not their friend and it lies to them every day.  We need to help them see the truth.

Many individuals suffering from an eating disorder will think if they change areas of their life externally, they will be OK.  If I move, I will be happy.  If I change jobs, I will be happy.  If I break up with him/her, I will be happy.  If I get married, I will be happy.  They dance around the core issue -- that healing must begin inside.

True happiness will not be attained until they have peace on the inside.

When my daughter was ill, I lived in a constant state of fear.  Fear of what could happen.  I read the statistics about eating disorders.  It's not pretty and it scared me numb.

I recall one evening when I felt all hope was lost.  I just did not know what to do anymore.  I could not help her recover.  What should I do now?

There is a line in a country song . . . "I'm down here on my knees 'cause it's the last place left to fall . . . "  That is what I did.  I hit my knees and I prayed and I cried.  I asked God for help.  I asked him to please help my daughter.  I had prayed before, but only for this to be done so I could get on with my life.  This time was different.  I surrendered her care to  Him and asked Him to show me what I needed to do.  He showed me that I needed to make some changes on the inside as well.

Words cannot describe what I felt that evening; but I knew that I needed to get strong and I needed to give her back her disease.  What transpired over the next year was a slow healing.  It was not always smooth and we had some difficult challenges.   We hung in there together and did not allow the eating disorder behavior to get comfortable in our home ever again.

I look at my beautiful daughter today and there is no hint of the disease that almost took her life.  God has blessed our family and continues to be our support.

. . . and in March, I am going to be grandmother.  How cool is that?