Guest Blogger -- Wonderful Insight

I wanted to share with all of you a letter I received from a lovely woman who has recovered from her eating disorder.  She had contacted me and asked me what it was that I thought the members of the support group needed most.  That is a loaded question -- there is so much we need.  On a very basic level, we just do not know what to do sometimes.  The day to day care takes its toll and we just need someone to throw us a rope so we can just hang on.  I thought her response was very good and I have her permission to share it with you:

In service to creating more peace, love, and a stronger recovery for those with an eating disorder, I have compiled some invaluable tools I wish my family would have implemented when I was in recovery. I learned how to cultivate these qualities on my own, and I want others to have access to what helped me.  I believe this information will provide much needed guidance to parents as they move through the process of recovery. 

A little about my journey that would have been helpful for others to understand:

At the most basic level, I was terrified.  I was terrified before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and into my initial recovery.  In the recovery phase I felt like I was being asked to die, which I know sounds a little morbid, probably because it is! But, this is what many who struggle with an eating disorder experience… that level of terror.  This needs to be understood and taken into consideration. I cannot emphasize this enough because until a great degree of empathy can be cultivated, a sense of alienation will exist between parent and child.   

As the parent, one of the most powerful things you can do, in my opinion, is really try to imagine what your child is experiencing.  It does not have to make sense to you (the fear of fat for example) because you can still attune to what it feels like to be filled with fear or powerless.  All of us know what these feelings are like.  Put yourself in their shoes for a day.  Why?  Because this will breed a deeper level of understanding and heart connection, which is essential on their journey back to health.  Your child needs your love above all else.  The thing with this is, to know it is not enough. To mentally understand your child needs love is not actually delivering the love.  So how do you do this, how do you remain loving when you yourself are scared?

The first thing is to be in charge of your own inner-world. When fear prevails within you, your words and actions are different than if you are rooted in the love and understanding that you can do this. You both can do this. I know it is hard, but many families have walked this and have made it through.  The ones that make it with the most ease and grace, are filled with members who are each choosing to take ownership of his or her inner-state.  Rather than being a victim to the situation, what needs to happen for you to empower yourself again? 

If you find yourself spinning out, what choices could you make to help you re-center yourself? Do you need to make a phone call, go for a walk, or pray? Whatever it is, if you are grounded within yourself, you are providing your child with an anchor they can count on. In my own life, I never felt I had that anchoring in my home, and the value of it would have been out of this world. This lack of feeling safe inside of oneself is such a huge part of an eating disorder, and although you cannot change their inner-world directly, you can affect it indirectly. Be the example. Be the rock. Be the one who learns how to find her own footing, no matter what is happening.  Children need this.  I needed this, and I doubt I was different than other young women who are experiencing an eating disorder. 

Another huge and powerful consideration as a parent is in developing a sense of compassion for your child’s sense of self.  Can you hold compassion for the degree of inner-judgment that is a part of eating disorders? If you cannot, how can she?  Until your child can learn how to do this for him or herself, you are the teacher.  Compassion is an art, and unfortunately often dismissed as a weak and feminine healing tool, which is ironic because an eating disorder feeds off lack of compassion. Compassion for the self is the most courageous act anyone can ever partake in.

I would suggest taking some time to imagine what it would be like to exist within a body where you truly believed that you were disgusting or terrible. Not just felt this way, but believed it to be true. What would this mean for you? What would your life be like? How would you feel and what choices would you make?  Again, put yourself in their shoes to know what is going on for them.  We heal through compassion, not being “fixed,” which just insinuates that there really is something inherently wrong with us.  And an answer, the magical formula of the diet is a just another way to stay rigid and reinforce the “good and bad” duality of suffering.  Letting go can be done, people just need guidance on how to do this. There are professionals and spiritual teachers that can be the teacher when the student decides he or she is ready.

It took me many years to peel back the layers of the onion, and I would have loved to have an advocate, cheerleader, strong and stable presence, and most importantly to have learned through example how to be compassionate with myself.  Just like Ghandi says, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can be this for your child. You can be their guide to self-love, self-compassion, and a grounded presence.  This is what is going to help them more than anything else- a loving and strong parent.

Finally, my last nugget here is to be mindful that you do not associate being loving with your child with being a push-over.  When I use the word loving, I am referring to the highest possible good.  Sometimes what the highest good is for someone is not what he or she wants.  This is where it may become about you… if you are having a hard time with implementing the highest good for your son or daughter because it triggers you, then the work becomes about clearing up what needs attention within your own being so you can show up as the most powerful and amazing version of you possible. Taking care of you is taking care of your child.

More important than what you are doing, is how you are being.  And you will always know if you simply check in with yourself and attune to what is happening inside of your body. If I can help with some tools to assist the parents learn how to do this, I am more than happy to assist you in that way.

It is my hope that you found this helpful. My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing challenges at this time.  If you have questions on what I have shared with you, please feel free to contact me directly at lbwirth@gmail.com.  I would be happy to pass along more information to you or to set up a time to talk.

Many Blessings,

Lesley Wirth

www.livingurtruth.com

Guilt -- An Emotional Waste of Time

Happy 2014!


Each year, as a Christmas gift, my husband gives me a devotional.  It is comprised of a daily scripture reading and then a short devotional on how to apply it to our lives today.


The devotional for January 4th really spoke to me personally.  It is entitled "You're Not Built for Guilt". 


Guilt can be an overwhelming emotion, especially when you have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.   I hear it constantly, I feel so guilty . . ., I should have known . . ., I should have gotten help sooner . . . and on and on it goes.  We really beat ourselves into the ground.


Truth is, we could not have seen this train named ED coming through the long, dark tunnel.  How could we possibly prepare for what was ahead?


In this particular devotional, the author, Joyce Meyer, states:


"If we drag the guilt from past mistakes along with us, we'll never make progress toward true freedom and joy.  Your future has no room for your past.  How much time do you waste feeling guilty?"


Truth be told, I wasted a lot of time feeling guilty and it did prevent me from moving forward to the present.  If we drag all that guilt baggage along with us, our progress forward will be greatly hampered.  As she said above, our future has no room for our past.  Let's let it go.  Leave the past in the past and look ahead at what needs to be done.  We cannot change what was, but we can change how we face the future.   Guilt will slow us down, weigh us a down.  What good can it possibly serve?  Move on.  Forgive yourself, as God forgives us.  Start now - start today.  One day at a time.  Do not allow guilt to dwell in your heart.

Be Careful of "New Normal"

What exactly is a "New Normal".  It can take on many definitions.  However, be careful of New Normals.

New Normals are another form of an excuse.  When a family is new to the eating disordered world, they sometimes do not realize just how unbalanced their life has become.  An eating disorder is very insidious.  You sometimes do not see that the behavior of your loved one is completely out of control.  It is as though we almost become numb to their demands and their irrational behavior.

 We make excuses that they are "not that bad", "not that skinny", "not isolated from their friends", "they eat, but only really healthy foods", "they do not like it when I ask questions", etc. The excuses and their New Normal life continues with the eating disorder in complete control.  I know, I was there.  Our home life had become toxic.  No one spoke to one another for fear of what might happen.  We walked on eggshells.   We were afraid.  We were unhappy.  We let the eating disorder control the environment like a small tyrannical czar.  We also did not see what was happening.  It had become our "New Normal". 

It wasn't normal.  There was nothing normal about it.  It took a very skilled therapist to help me see what was happening.  It also forced my husband and me to take our power back as parents.  We could clearly see that the eating disorder was in control and that our "New Normal" was not normal and that our family was in trouble.  We needed to step up as parents and stop being afraid of this intruder called ED (acronym for eating disorder). 

We were prepared to do whatever it took to get our daughter to a healthy place in her life so she could  be successful.  We needed to adopt the mantra "Recovery around life, not life around recovery."  Recovery was first, everything else took a back seat.  School could wait, recovery could not.  It was difficult and it got worse before it got better.  However, once we took our power back from ED, it made both my husband and I stronger.  We worked as a team, together, not against one another as ED would have preferred.  See, ED likes to divide families and isolate his victims. 

As that scene in a very famous movie says "Be afraid, be very afraid", I say, do not be afraid -- you can conquer ED, as long as you conquer your "New Normal" as well.

My Rant to Good Housekeeping Magazine

Good afternoon ~

I usually do not write to magazines.  However, the September issue of Good Housekeeping, in short, totally ticked me off.  I like this magazine.  I like the recipes.  I like the articles (most of the time).  This issue, however, had a few items in there that I felt were very troubling.  The one that really got my heart pounding was their "Best tip we've heard this month" on page 77.  It states:

"Trick yourself into feeling full:  When study participants were given teaspoon-size sips of soup, they consumed 30% less than those whose premeasured mouthfuls were larger or who took as much as they wanted." 

SERIOUSLY!!! 

They also have an article entitled Rev Up Your Metabolism!  

Snippets such as these are not harmful to the general public.  However, if someone is struggling with body image issues, an eating disorder or has an unhealthy relationship with food, these can be damaging.  I felt very compelled to write them a letter.  Do I think it will get too far?  No.  It will go into the general e-mail file, but it sure made me feel better to write it.  We need to start speaking out against the need for an unrealistic definition of beauty and take a stand against the multi-billion dollar dieting industry.  Here is my letter:

Good afternoon ~

 I have been a lifelong subscriber to your magazine loving the advice, recipes, etc., you generously share with your reading audience.   I want to comment on your September issue depicting Trisha Yearwood on the cover.

 First, a little background.  My daughter suffered with anorexia for seven years.  This is not a mental illness I would wish on any family.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  People die from this disease.  I work with families who have a loved one with an eating disorder.   Their stories are heartbreaking and some have lost their daughters to this disease.  I believe, as a society, we need to stop putting so much emphasis on dieting, weight loss and appearances.   You cannot pick up a magazine without the “diet of the week” plastered all over the cover of the current issue.  It’s troubling. 

 To that end, there are a few items that I would like to take issue with in your September magazine. 

 On the cover:

~ Boost Your Metabolism – Foods that spark weight loss

~ Inside Trisha’s Fridge
~Trisha Yearwood – I’m 35 pounds lighter!  Her simple eating plan

 

Inside pages:

Page 42 – depicts a picture of the inside of Trisha Yearwood’s refrigerator

Page 77 – Best tip we’ve heard this month.  You go on to mention how you can trick yourself into feeling full. 
Page 89 – The Best Scales
 
While this may not seem to be damaging to you, to someone suffering with body image issues or in the throes of an eating disorder, these types of messages you are sending are dangerous.  Your “Best Tip” on page 77 is probably one of the most insane things I have ever read.  People suffering with eating disorders or those dissatisfied with their bodies read snippets such as these and it can open a door to something very ugly.  Also, highlighting the best scales is not necessary.   People with eating disorders weigh themselves constantly.   We do not need to see pictures of the latest scale with all the bells and whistles.  I haven’t owned a scale in years and I do not intend to invest in another one.    Also, depicting the inside of a refrigerator?  Bad idea. 

 Read  Ellyn Satter’s definition of normal eating:

 Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

 In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

 
I would challenge you to publish an issue that has nothing to do with dieting or weight loss tips of any kind.  Publish an issue on what it is like to eat normally. Focus on the HAES (Health at Every Size) movement.  Talk to the National Eating Disorders Association.  Talk to parents and friends who have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.  Hear their anguish and listen to how we have changed our view of what is beautiful.  I no longer comment on someone’s appearance.  I always say “it’s so nice to see you”. 

 Our obsession with weight loss in our society has taken a turn for the worse.  People are suffering due to an unrealistic expectation of what is beautiful and acceptable.   When did it stop being OK to be who we are?   I hope you take to heart and really think about what you are publishing in your magazine.   Become aware of what message you are sending to your audience. 

 

Let's all be aware of the messages we might be sending.  Let us be mindful of what is real and authentic in people.  L

 

Good afternoon and happy Monday ~ 

I do not watch much reality TV, but there is one show I find particularly interesting:  Catfish

It's premise is to connect people who have been chatting via the internet, with one usually deceiving the other in some way.  These people profess their love for each other without having ever met face to face.  It is interesting to see what drives individuals to maintain an online relationship and believe what some faceless someone is telling them about themselves.

I watched an episode recently that made me very sad.  In this particular episode, both individuals were pretending to be someone they were not.  They were truthful about their names, families and other situations in their lives.  What they were not truthful about was their appearance.  They each sent photographs to each other that were not what their true selves looked like.  The young lady sent photo shopped "thin" pictures of herself, while the young man sent a photo that depicted a very shapely man with six pack abs.

During the investigative process, it was discovered that the photos of the young man were not quite accurate.  He was confronted and very hesitant to meet this young lady.  She, in turn, wanted to meet him, but was scared due to the fact she had lied to him about her appearance.

They did end up meeting, she being more shocked than he was at what the other looked like. 

What struck up a sadness in me was their need to conform to some standard of appearance as to what is acceptable in today's society.  They both were ashamed of their appearance and did not like going out in public for fear of being judged and criticized.

What is happening?  When did it stop being acceptable to be who we are?  When are we going to stop judging people based on their appearance?  When will we learn to accept ourselves?

Take a stand, be courageous, set a good example for others.  Acceptance -- it's not that difficult. 

The two people in the Catfish episode mentioned above were going to visit one another in their respective states and see how it played out.  They seemed like good people.  It is a shame that society's standards prevented them from realizing that for themselves.  I hope in my heart that they find happiness with each other and learn that their appearance does not define or limit them.

Additional "mom" thoughts . . .

Following the last blog entry, here are some thoughts from the mother of our guest speaker.  All I can say is "I concur".  These are very good:

 

In hindsight, I wished that I had been better able to stand up against ED sooner  than I ended up doing.  In those days I thought that doing what my daughter wanted (like late nite grocery store runs) was helpful to her and would make things easier for her at a time I knew things were plenty difficult. I  But what I now see is that what I ended up doing was making things easier for ED… creating a comfy place for ED to roost…a place where ED called the shots and bullied everyone in the family.  I see now that although standing up to ED may have elicited a negative response from my daughter at the time, in the long run she needed her parents to take that strong position against the disorder because she herself could not do so.  I also realize that standing up to ED earlier was not likely to have made any difference in the duration of my daughter’s journey to recovery, but it WAS likely to have made me feel better about not being pushed around by the disorder, and  it MAY have created a better home environment where we had better boundaries.

  

I am a firm believer in doing things that “support recovery”.  You could hear me say that phrase over and over when faced with questions or situations that sounded more like “ED speak”.   I would say to my daughter things like, “Doing (xyz)  doesn’t  support recovery”  or  “Buying only xyz kinds of foods doesn’t  support recovery”.  It’s a nice way to address the issue while letting your loved one know where you stand.

 

As your loved one gets more rooted into recovery, sometimes it’s easy for parents to forget that struggles still come up for them.   Continue to be mindful of careless comments about body, looks, weight, size, how much the person sitting in the restaurant next to you is eating, etc.  I was reminded recently by my daughter that hearing me complain about my changing body was hard for her to hear.  Still learning! 

 

Good stuff and we thank her for sharing some additional insight.  I especially like her thoughts in the second paragraph.  We must always remember to not give the eating disorder any additional power or control.  We all want to avoid the rages of the eating disorder behavior -- it can get ugly, but cowering to it's threats will not make it go away.  Strength, perseverance and consistency is the key.

Saying to them when they are being irrational, statements such as "Honey, I love you, but I will talk with you when I feel respected," will let them know they are loved while still setting a very strict boundary of what you will and will not tolerate.     

 

 

 

A Different Perspective . . .

Last Monday at our support group meeting, we had the pleasure of having two guest speakers.  A young lady who has recovered from her eating disorder and  her wonderful mother.  They were able to provide the group with a perspective only derived from someone who has "been there, done that".

During their nine year journey the mother watched her daughter struggle to gain independence over her eating disorder and the daughter finally reached a point where she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The meeting was emotional on so many levels.  I think the one realization that is hard to come to grips with as a parent is that this is their journey, their path and they must choose their recovery.  Each family dynamic is different, however, and we must always be ready to intervene when it is medically necessary.

I am listing below the comments I received from parents following the meeting.   I asked for their "ah-ha" moments.  If we can find a way to look at this differently, change our perspective, it can be very valuable.  Here is what they had to say --

One statement that resonated with me was that even though sometimes she would tell her mom she was "fine", her mom would know that she wasn't really fine some days. Her mom would make it a point to be there with her daughter.  She seemed to be comforted by the presence of her mom. Even if she didn't realize it at the time, she seemed grateful for that now.

Say I love you, and I believe in you.

Never answer the question "how do I look?"    Simply respond by saying “I am not going to respond to that question.”

Don't engage the ED behaviors - walk away.

Keep meal conversations on the light side.  She said she was already stressing out with food issues and didn't want to talk about that.

Mom said one of her hardest realizations was knowing that ultimately her daughter was the only one who could control her recovery.

She  said she wished she had signed up for more activities when she started college as a means of distraction, or to stay socially engaged.

 When you see your daughter is feeling low, bad, anxious, take a moment not to talk about ED or "it". Never bring that up or ask about it unless she does and then just let her talk.   Just say to her, " I believe in you; I love you; and I know  that you are working through everything that you need to in order to be well."

 Even though she may not want food care packages when she is away at college, she does want notes, cards, silly fun games or puzzles, fuzzy socks etc.  They are reminders that she is loved and supported always.

 Food is stressful,  don't ever use meal times to talk about heavy topics (i.e., grandmas illness, tasks that need to be completed, problems between siblings, etc.) Keep meal times fun with light conversation, talking about funny YouTube videos, silly pet shenanigans, family vacations, etc.

When she yells at you that she is FINE and needs hers space and to just get off her back, she is probably NOT ok.  FINE may stand for screwed up, insecure, not ok, neurotic, emotional.   When she says that and she's most angry, tell her you love her and believe in her. Tell her that you are here to listen.  Play scrabble, take a walk.  Don't talk about “ED” or “IT”.   Let her talk if she will.  IF she won't talk, then give her some space and then say it all again later.

It may take a day or two for her even to talk to you and it may not be about what's bothering her but she knows she is good and loved and capable and that you haven't given up on her.

 If your daughter asks you if she looks fat in an outfit or asks you to comment on how she looks, DO NOT say you're always beautiful, or you look great or fine,  just say, " I'm not answering that question." DO NOT ENGAGE  in that conversation, as it can be very triggering.

During recovery struggles or transitions (coming home from college for the summer, holiday breaks, etc.) it is ok to simply not buy binge trigger foods.  Let her work with her counselor or buy the item(s) herself as she feels ready to take that challenge.

 When your daughter is having a bad day or a relapse,  that may be when she goes back to her meanest outbursts....when she does that,  she is most likely/comfortable responding like she would at the age of the beginning of her diagnosis.  If she began her disorder at 14 and she's been in recovery for 3 years and has a bad day, she may yell at you in the way a 14 year would instead of a 17 or 18 year old. The emotional maturity seems so be slower but don't lose hope, it does happen, just slower.

She said just having her family be there and not necessarily saying something to them when they are upset or having a bad day/battling ED. 

Keeping her busy after a meal!  Going for a walk, playing cards or her playing the piano .

 

You will notice some of the "ah-ha" moments are very similar.  This tells me our struggles are the same in many ways.   We experience the same heartache, the same frustration and the same sadness at feeling so utterly helpless. 

 

I learned many lessons during my daughter's struggle with anorexia.  I realized it was not my fault; however, I did contribute to it's longevity (with the best of intentions, mind you!)  As stated above, it is important to not engage the behavior.   It is not easy.  The whole situation makes no sense to us; however it shouldn't make sense.  Eating disorders are not sensible!  They are ruthless and destructive.  Don't let it bring you down, too.  Do not give it any more power than it already has.  Stand strong and do not be afraid.  Take the wind out of it's sails.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.   This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Remember to breathe, remember to pray, remember your child is there and fighting to find their own voice, struggling to trust themselves again.