Wise Self Advice to Younger Self . . . 

I have been asked to answer the following question as part of the events surrounding Eating Recovery Day:

“If you could go back and talk to yourself at the beginning of the recovery journey, what would your wiser self say to your younger self?”

Talking about a recovery journey for myself would have seemed unlikely when I was in the middle of supporting a daughter through anorexia.  It was not until she recovered and moved on with her life, that I realized I was a train wreck.  I remember sitting in my family room, my chaos gone, wondering what to do.  It became clear to me that I had given up so many things for the eating disorder (hereafter referred to, and with no affection, as ED). 

I had forgotten what it was like to be happy.  I had forgotten what it was like to feel contentment.  I had forgotten what it was like to find joy in simple things.  Through all the turmoil, I had lost me.   Through all the ugliness, my emotional self took a beating.  I had no reserves left for anyone and that included me.  What had happened?

Enter my wiser self . . . oh yes, she eventually showed up.  She told me it was time to take care of myself and that it was something I should have been doing all along.  What?  Take care of myself during the ED storm?  Yes, she said, especially during the ED storm.  That was counterintuitive!  Yes it is, she calmly whispered, yes it is.  You cannot serve from an empty vessel, she said.  Wise self started to pay attention!

I’m a bit stubborn, so I had a steep learning curve.  My wiser self was very patient.  She gently nudged me where I needed to go.  Go to therapy she said, so I did.  Join Mothers Against Eating Disorders on Facebook.  Why?,  I said.  Because, she said.  So I did.  It was and remains to this day a place of healing and support.  Then my wise self said, you may want to attend the retreat.  What retreat? I said.  Hope Network Retreat, she said.  Sure, I said, I can do a few days in San Diego and help some moms.  Wise self said, good.  Wise self knew better.  

Wise self knew it was her time to take care of herself.  Wise self learned that self care is not selfish, but necessary.   ED leaves many victims in his path and I was one of them.  I decided to not be a victim any longer.  It was time to let go of “that which does not serve me”.  After three days of tears at the Hope Network Retreat, I realized just how much needed to go.  How much was no longer necessary.

I learned to be accepting of myself.  I learned to trust myself again.  I learned to say “no” without that wasted emotion called guilt.  I learned I was okay, me!  I was OK!  I began to make decisions based on what was best for me.  

The ED years were filled with anger, tears, resentment.  It will take some time to put all of those to rest.  Recovery, for me, is knowing my daughter's eating disorder was not my fault.  I will no longer be a victim of ED.  He is no longer welcome.  It’s my turn.