Goodbye Dad . . .

Today is Mother's Day . . .  I know for many of you,  this day can be a difficult one.   It is for me as well.  My mom has been gone for 27 years and I still miss her the most on Mother's Day.  It is just a reminder that she is no longer with us.  I try to find a way to celebrate that honors her . . . honoring is a nice thing to do.  We can also honor ourselves.  Remember that!

The year started out as usual for me, with hopes of bringing to bloom new ideas and goals.  Life does have a way of throwing you a nasty Nolan Ryan curveball when you least expect it, however.  It did for me on January 27th when my husband and I found my father on the bathroom floor.  He had fallen while putting on his clothes.  This was his second fall in five days.

The next two months were followed up with hospitals and doctor appointments, surgery and more doctor appointments and an eventual stay at a nursing and rehabilitation facility.  Dad despised every minute of it.  He wanted to go home.  At 92, he was out of his comfort zone.  I felt very torn as to what I knew he needed and what his wishes were.  I had to keep him safe.  Living an hour away from me was no longer an option.  My sister and I worked on a plan -- oh it was a grand one -- and he would be so happy.  Truth was, dad was not happy.  He continued to decline and at the end of March we made the difficult decision, at his request, to stop all medical intervention.  He passed away on March 29th, a week shy of his 93rd birthday.  Signing those forms as his power of attorney was not easy.  I had to remember he entrusted that task to me over 20 years ago and it was time I respected what I knew he wanted.  His daily needs were no longer a concern.  He was at peace.  He was reunited back with my mom.  That was a great comfort.

It is difficult packing up a life.  A life well lived.  A man well loved.  A son.  A brother.  A husband. A father.  An uncle.  A grandfather.  A great grandfather.  A friend.  He had many and had outlived most of them.   Having both of your parents gone is a strange feeling . . . almost a disconnect.  When mom died, I still had dad.  Now dad is gone.  These wonderful parents who raised me and provided for my every need, who taught me difficult lessons, who loved me -- are gone.  It hits me at strange times, different moments and my heart feels heavy.

It is now time, however,  to move forward and get back to those lofty goals I had in the beginning of January.  That is what they would want me to do.  Keep looking ahead.  Follow your heart, your dreams,  if you make $5.00, save three and spend two; go slow.

I will, mom and dad, I will  . . .

A Network of Hope and a Little PTSD

This past December, I was fortunate to be able to attend the Hope Network Mom's Retreat in beautiful San Diego.  I was encouraged to attend by one of the parents in my support group.  You see, I preach self care to them all the time and was telling them about the retreat.  One parent piped up and said, why don't you go?  Me?  Yes, you.  You are always telling us to take care of ourselves . . . etc., etc., blah, blah . . . ok, ok, I decided to go.  If nothing else, I would learn some self-care techniques to pass along to my families.

What transpired that weekend was beyond anything I could have imagined.  My daughter was recovered from her eating disorder, so "what was the point in going?" I asked myself.  I quickly discovered what the point was.  It was me.  ME.  Me?  Really?  Yes, ma'am.

As we gathered together for the first time -- 2 coaches and five moms -- it was evident something special was about to happen.  We introduced ourselves and started sharing our stories.  Each one was heartbreaking, each one was different, each one was ours alone.  The pain in our eyes -- that was pretty much the same.  Hurt, anger, resentment . . . it was all there.

We listened, we cried, we laughed, we had some wine -- it was good.

We learned how to embrace JOY in the midst of sadness.  We learned how to accept what happened and see the need to move on.  We learned that life is unpredictable.  We learned to not judge others. We learned self-acceptance.  We learned there are no wrong answers.  We learned that PTSD is very real.  It's not about moving on, it's about remembering.  We can move on, but in all the remembering, that is where the true pain resides.

For me, personally, I had a huge AHA moment -- isn't that what Oprah calls them?  When a light so big goes off in your head it blinds you from the inside out?

I realized in a moment that the work I do to help families truly brings me fulfillment.  It may not always be fun -- eating disorders are not something that you associate with fun -- but helping families to know that this is not their fault and to relieve them of their self-blame is very satisfying.  For them to connect with other families who "get it" is huge, comforting and downright necessary.

I needed to stop listening to that voice in my head (probably some evil twin of ED) telling me that I needed to find something else to do.  Something that was fun.  I learned to listen to my heart, not my head.  My heart is more rational than the mental gymnastics in my head anyway.  I had to learn to be accepting of my own choices regardless of what others thought.  I needed to start liking myself again.
It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, yet one of the most freeing.

You do not need the approval of anyone to follow your heart.  When you live with a family member with a mental illness (yes, eating disorders are a mental illness, not a choice),  it can cause you to question yourself daily.  You are constantly being reminded by the eating disorder voice that it's your fault, you are to blame. It is hard to trust your own voice.   I need to learn to trust mine.  I'm working on it and it feels pretty good.

One of the first changes I made upon returning home was to donate my entire bin of "self-help" books to the library.   It was brought to my attention that by hanging onto them, that perhaps they were a constant reminder of where I felt I was lacking.   Wow!  I felt lighter already.  Thanks, Becky.

I will continue to listen to my heart, my inner compass.  I will continue to pray each day.  I will continue to trust myself.  I will start liking myself a little more.  I will continue to  eliminate from my life "that which does not serve me."

Not sure what that looks likes, but it will be interesting when I find out.  I'll keep you posted.

The Good Works of Social Media

I am not a huge fan of social media.  I believe folks just share too much of their personal lives for all to see.  There are, however, very positive aspects of social media.  Mothers Against Eating Disorders (MAED) is a Facebook group that is a powerful force and a wonderful support system from warrior mommas all over the world for those who have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.  It is a closed group, so you must be approved in order to be able to join.  It is quite wonderful.

Recently, I felt compelled to reach out to all the moms, especially the new ones starting out on this journey.  Here is what I shared with them and would like to share with you:

Good morning Dear Mommas ~

As I sit here and read these posts -- especially from the new moms -- I want to come and hug each and every one of you. I want to talk with you personally and give you some hope and light in the darkness you are experiencing. In looking back over the years ED invaded our home and took over our lives the memories are painful indeed.

I know we all want our kids to be happy. That is a mother's dream. However, when ED shows up, they become something we can hardly believe. This, however, is what I want you to believe: Your loved ones have been taken hostage by this disease. They are still there, just unable to find their voice because the one in their head is so loud and constantly reminds them how useless and worthless they are. While your loves ones are still under 18, you need to make some tough decisions for them. They are incapable of seeing what is best for them. They cannot trust themselves, so they trust ED. Will they (ED) get angry? You bet.

For so many years, I parented this disease out of guilt. My decisions made me feel better, but it did nothing to help my daughter. I was so afraid of causing anger, that I walked on eggshells and gave ED a comfortable place to live. I needed to grow a spine of titanium! The threats were ugly, mean, hurtful. However, I adopted the mindset that she could be mad at me for the rest of her life. I had to do what needed to be done to see that she would have a successful life.

Recovery around life, not life around recovery. You cannot have one foot in recovery. You need to be all in, all the time. If they are not well, their life will be one painful struggle after another. It takes time -- years sometimes -- and it is exhausting. Self care is mandatory. Mirror for them what you want for them. When they see us crying and out of control ourselves, it only reinforces what the ED is trying to convince them: look at what you are doing to your family. You are worthless. My daughter shared that tidbit with me after her recovery. I never looked at it that way.

I understand each family dynamic is different and sometimes there is nothing we can do. What we can do, however, is take care of ourselves. Sometimes the change we want, needs to start with us.

Above all else, love them. They are hiding behind the mask called ED and it takes time to trust themselves, love themselves and find themselves.

Know I am always available for a phone chat should you ever need anything. All you need to do is ask. I never want any one of you to feel alone through this journey. We need each other and I thank God each day for the MAED group who reaches out to us all to keep us afloat.

Hugs, kisses and hope to you all. Hang in their Mommas -- you are stronger than ED ever could hope to be. Lean on us, cry with us.

So, dear families.  Never loose your grip on hope.  Hope is what keeps us moving, giving and loving.  

What ED Gave to Me

We read often about what the ED took away from us -- so much and too numerous to mention. I often think what did ED give me that may have been positive? Was there anything at all? Yes, there is.

I have met some of the most amazing people through this journey. Their courage and grace has held me in awe. My faith resurfaced, stronger. I learned a lot about myself. I got stronger in ways I never knew possible. My compassion deepened. I judge less. I accept what comes. I never, ever, ask anyone -- anymore -- if they have lost weight. It's always "it's so good to see you".

I've learned to trust less, trust more, trust me. I have learned that you cannot go through something as tough as battling ED and not be a different person on the other side. ED did give me some gifts. Not all were wrapped in pretty packages and colorful bows. Some were ugly. I learned with each up and each down. I learned what I could control and what I could not. Most times I learned I could not. I hit my knees more often and prayed for guidance and help. I talked less and listened more.

I learned that the light at the end of a tunnel was sometimes a train heading straight for me. I learned to dodge that train. I learned not to panic. I learned not to make decisions when I felt desperate. Desperation lends itself to bad decisions. I learned to reach out and really did not care how I was judged or how my family was looked upon. I learned that everyone is going through something and sometimes a smile or a small word of encouragement can change someone's day. I learned tasks can wait, but a serene walk cannot. With every step and every mistake and every heartbreak, I learned. I am still learning.

So, look for the good in this day. It's there -- buried somewhere beneath the pain and the hurt and the fear. Don't let fear be in charge. Don't let exhaustion win. Nurture your soul. Nurture your heart. Nurture your spirit. 

Guest Blogger -- Wonderful Insight

I wanted to share with all of you a letter I received from a lovely woman who has recovered from her eating disorder.  She had contacted me and asked me what it was that I thought the members of the support group needed most.  That is a loaded question -- there is so much we need.  On a very basic level, we just do not know what to do sometimes.  The day to day care takes its toll and we just need someone to throw us a rope so we can just hang on.  I thought her response was very good and I have her permission to share it with you:

In service to creating more peace, love, and a stronger recovery for those with an eating disorder, I have compiled some invaluable tools I wish my family would have implemented when I was in recovery. I learned how to cultivate these qualities on my own, and I want others to have access to what helped me.  I believe this information will provide much needed guidance to parents as they move through the process of recovery. 

A little about my journey that would have been helpful for others to understand:

At the most basic level, I was terrified.  I was terrified before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and into my initial recovery.  In the recovery phase I felt like I was being asked to die, which I know sounds a little morbid, probably because it is! But, this is what many who struggle with an eating disorder experience… that level of terror.  This needs to be understood and taken into consideration. I cannot emphasize this enough because until a great degree of empathy can be cultivated, a sense of alienation will exist between parent and child.   

As the parent, one of the most powerful things you can do, in my opinion, is really try to imagine what your child is experiencing.  It does not have to make sense to you (the fear of fat for example) because you can still attune to what it feels like to be filled with fear or powerless.  All of us know what these feelings are like.  Put yourself in their shoes for a day.  Why?  Because this will breed a deeper level of understanding and heart connection, which is essential on their journey back to health.  Your child needs your love above all else.  The thing with this is, to know it is not enough. To mentally understand your child needs love is not actually delivering the love.  So how do you do this, how do you remain loving when you yourself are scared?

The first thing is to be in charge of your own inner-world. When fear prevails within you, your words and actions are different than if you are rooted in the love and understanding that you can do this. You both can do this. I know it is hard, but many families have walked this and have made it through.  The ones that make it with the most ease and grace, are filled with members who are each choosing to take ownership of his or her inner-state.  Rather than being a victim to the situation, what needs to happen for you to empower yourself again? 

If you find yourself spinning out, what choices could you make to help you re-center yourself? Do you need to make a phone call, go for a walk, or pray? Whatever it is, if you are grounded within yourself, you are providing your child with an anchor they can count on. In my own life, I never felt I had that anchoring in my home, and the value of it would have been out of this world. This lack of feeling safe inside of oneself is such a huge part of an eating disorder, and although you cannot change their inner-world directly, you can affect it indirectly. Be the example. Be the rock. Be the one who learns how to find her own footing, no matter what is happening.  Children need this.  I needed this, and I doubt I was different than other young women who are experiencing an eating disorder. 

Another huge and powerful consideration as a parent is in developing a sense of compassion for your child’s sense of self.  Can you hold compassion for the degree of inner-judgment that is a part of eating disorders? If you cannot, how can she?  Until your child can learn how to do this for him or herself, you are the teacher.  Compassion is an art, and unfortunately often dismissed as a weak and feminine healing tool, which is ironic because an eating disorder feeds off lack of compassion. Compassion for the self is the most courageous act anyone can ever partake in.

I would suggest taking some time to imagine what it would be like to exist within a body where you truly believed that you were disgusting or terrible. Not just felt this way, but believed it to be true. What would this mean for you? What would your life be like? How would you feel and what choices would you make?  Again, put yourself in their shoes to know what is going on for them.  We heal through compassion, not being “fixed,” which just insinuates that there really is something inherently wrong with us.  And an answer, the magical formula of the diet is a just another way to stay rigid and reinforce the “good and bad” duality of suffering.  Letting go can be done, people just need guidance on how to do this. There are professionals and spiritual teachers that can be the teacher when the student decides he or she is ready.

It took me many years to peel back the layers of the onion, and I would have loved to have an advocate, cheerleader, strong and stable presence, and most importantly to have learned through example how to be compassionate with myself.  Just like Ghandi says, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can be this for your child. You can be their guide to self-love, self-compassion, and a grounded presence.  This is what is going to help them more than anything else- a loving and strong parent.

Finally, my last nugget here is to be mindful that you do not associate being loving with your child with being a push-over.  When I use the word loving, I am referring to the highest possible good.  Sometimes what the highest good is for someone is not what he or she wants.  This is where it may become about you… if you are having a hard time with implementing the highest good for your son or daughter because it triggers you, then the work becomes about clearing up what needs attention within your own being so you can show up as the most powerful and amazing version of you possible. Taking care of you is taking care of your child.

More important than what you are doing, is how you are being.  And you will always know if you simply check in with yourself and attune to what is happening inside of your body. If I can help with some tools to assist the parents learn how to do this, I am more than happy to assist you in that way.

It is my hope that you found this helpful. My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing challenges at this time.  If you have questions on what I have shared with you, please feel free to contact me directly at lbwirth@gmail.com.  I would be happy to pass along more information to you or to set up a time to talk.

Many Blessings,

Lesley Wirth

www.livingurtruth.com

Guilt -- An Emotional Waste of Time

Happy 2014!


Each year, as a Christmas gift, my husband gives me a devotional.  It is comprised of a daily scripture reading and then a short devotional on how to apply it to our lives today.


The devotional for January 4th really spoke to me personally.  It is entitled "You're Not Built for Guilt". 


Guilt can be an overwhelming emotion, especially when you have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.   I hear it constantly, I feel so guilty . . ., I should have known . . ., I should have gotten help sooner . . . and on and on it goes.  We really beat ourselves into the ground.


Truth is, we could not have seen this train named ED coming through the long, dark tunnel.  How could we possibly prepare for what was ahead?


In this particular devotional, the author, Joyce Meyer, states:


"If we drag the guilt from past mistakes along with us, we'll never make progress toward true freedom and joy.  Your future has no room for your past.  How much time do you waste feeling guilty?"


Truth be told, I wasted a lot of time feeling guilty and it did prevent me from moving forward to the present.  If we drag all that guilt baggage along with us, our progress forward will be greatly hampered.  As she said above, our future has no room for our past.  Let's let it go.  Leave the past in the past and look ahead at what needs to be done.  We cannot change what was, but we can change how we face the future.   Guilt will slow us down, weigh us a down.  What good can it possibly serve?  Move on.  Forgive yourself, as God forgives us.  Start now - start today.  One day at a time.  Do not allow guilt to dwell in your heart.

Be Careful of "New Normal"

What exactly is a "New Normal".  It can take on many definitions.  However, be careful of New Normals.

New Normals are another form of an excuse.  When a family is new to the eating disordered world, they sometimes do not realize just how unbalanced their life has become.  An eating disorder is very insidious.  You sometimes do not see that the behavior of your loved one is completely out of control.  It is as though we almost become numb to their demands and their irrational behavior.

 We make excuses that they are "not that bad", "not that skinny", "not isolated from their friends", "they eat, but only really healthy foods", "they do not like it when I ask questions", etc. The excuses and their New Normal life continues with the eating disorder in complete control.  I know, I was there.  Our home life had become toxic.  No one spoke to one another for fear of what might happen.  We walked on eggshells.   We were afraid.  We were unhappy.  We let the eating disorder control the environment like a small tyrannical czar.  We also did not see what was happening.  It had become our "New Normal". 

It wasn't normal.  There was nothing normal about it.  It took a very skilled therapist to help me see what was happening.  It also forced my husband and me to take our power back as parents.  We could clearly see that the eating disorder was in control and that our "New Normal" was not normal and that our family was in trouble.  We needed to step up as parents and stop being afraid of this intruder called ED (acronym for eating disorder). 

We were prepared to do whatever it took to get our daughter to a healthy place in her life so she could  be successful.  We needed to adopt the mantra "Recovery around life, not life around recovery."  Recovery was first, everything else took a back seat.  School could wait, recovery could not.  It was difficult and it got worse before it got better.  However, once we took our power back from ED, it made both my husband and I stronger.  We worked as a team, together, not against one another as ED would have preferred.  See, ED likes to divide families and isolate his victims. 

As that scene in a very famous movie says "Be afraid, be very afraid", I say, do not be afraid -- you can conquer ED, as long as you conquer your "New Normal" as well.