Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to speak to a class at the Pleasant Hill Campus of JFK.  This class was part of a certification program for those therapists wishing to specialize in eating disorders.   I was asked to do a presentation and talk about what it was like to have a loved one with an eating disorder.  What was it like to be on the front lines every day.  At times, it is difficult for me to go back to those days but I have to put aside the anxiety it may bring in order to help other therapists assist parents through their own journey.

Following the presentation, I was asked many questions -- one question in particular gave me pause -- I had to really think about what to say.  The question was, during my daughter's childhood, would I have done anything differently.  Yes, I told this therapist, there were probably many things I would have done differently; however, the one that was foremost in my mind was that I would not have been so dismissive of my daughter's feelings.

A common thread that runs through eating disorder patients is that they are very sensitive -- they have many antennas, and they feel and cope with situations on a very emotional level.

When I was a child I was taught to just tough it out -- suck it up -- sometimes life is hard and you just forge ahead and not complain about it.  As my grandmother told me once (and this is a direct quote) "you need to take life as it comes and shut up about it."  Please don't misinterpret my words -- my family was very loving and kind but they came from a tough stock of Italian immigrants.

Unfortunately, that was how I dealt with my daughter.  Unfortunately for her, this was not a good idea.  She learned her feelings didn't matter and that perhaps how she felt was wrong.  I needed to let her feel her emotions and also to reinforce that there is no right or wrong way to feel -- feelings are feelings.

So my answer for this therapist was to listen more, fix less and not dismiss how a child was feeling.  It does not matter if their feelings seem irrational to us -- what matters is that those feelings are very real to them.  Let them have a voice and listen.