Don't Miss It

As a guest blogger for Eating Recovery Roundup Day, I was asked to comment on the topic #DontMissIt.  

Don’t Miss It 

Miss what?  What did I miss?  I missed so much.  I missed me.

How does one miss oneself?  

I missed the insidiousness of anorexia.  I missed how quickly anorexia highjacked my daughter.  I missed how quickly anorexia made itself very comfortable in our home.  I missed how much anorexia had me by the throat as well.  I missed my family.  I missed our lives before anorexia.

When anorexia first entered our lives, I was blindsided by it’s strength.  It quickly invaded our lives and took the very soul of my daughter.  I missed her.

What I did not realize was how much I would lose me.  How much of me I would miss.  What happened to the laughter, the sarcasm, the happiness that was a part of me?  What happened to the things in life that had brought me contentment and comfort?  My marriage was compromised.  My husband and I were constantly bickering.  What had happened?

What happened was that I missed how much I allowed the eating disorder (ED) to take away from me.  I allowed ED to take away the things I enjoyed.  I allowed ED to drive a wedge between our family.  I allowed ED to isolate.  I allowed ED to call the shots.  I allowed ED to insist we walk on eggshells.  I allowed ED to to make me afraid.  Very afraid.  Afraid to cause a conflict.  Afraid to set boundaries.  Afraid to challenge the very core of the ugly that was present in our home.  

I remember one particularly bad day.  A horrible, no good, very bad day.  I was hosting a pity party for myself and my sister-in-law called.  We talked.  She understands, as she, herself, battled an eating disorder.  I cried and vented and, oh my gosh, poor me.  She listened and then said some very powerful words to me:  “When are you going to stop being the victim here?”  What?  Me?  A victim?  Her words were a huge “AHA” moment.  I wasn’t a victim, yet I had let myself become one.  I realized that I had missed me.  I had allowed myself to be consumed by the chaos.  The chaos had become my normal.

At some point, I decided to stop being afraid.  I was tired.  I was weary.  I was done.  I stopped allowing ED to intimidate me.  I chose not to engage.  I chose not to react.  Choices.  Choices helped me to see what I was missing and ED got angry.  I didn’t care.  

I chose to bring back the “me” I had missed.  I took my power back.  I had missed my power.  I had missed me.  I started to take care of me.  Self care?  That sounded counter intuitive.  It is not.  If we do not take care of ourselves, you will miss yourself.  I sure did.  I realized that by not nurturing my own soul, my own wishes that I was giving so much to ED.  Self care was difficult to define.  What did it mean?  It meant to reengage in all that I had missed doing.  If we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot be strong enough to stand up to ED.  Self care is not selfish.  Self care is healing tears and knowing, deep in your loving heart, that this is not your fault.  Stop carrying that burden.  Stop being ED’s victim.  

 I stopped being that victim and I did not miss her at all. 

Wise Self Advice to Younger Self . . . 

I have been asked to answer the following question as part of the events surrounding Eating Recovery Day:

“If you could go back and talk to yourself at the beginning of the recovery journey, what would your wiser self say to your younger self?”

Talking about a recovery journey for myself would have seemed unlikely when I was in the middle of supporting a daughter through anorexia.  It was not until she recovered and moved on with her life, that I realized I was a train wreck.  I remember sitting in my family room, my chaos gone, wondering what to do.  It became clear to me that I had given up so many things for the eating disorder (hereafter referred to, and with no affection, as ED). 

I had forgotten what it was like to be happy.  I had forgotten what it was like to feel contentment.  I had forgotten what it was like to find joy in simple things.  Through all the turmoil, I had lost me.   Through all the ugliness, my emotional self took a beating.  I had no reserves left for anyone and that included me.  What had happened?

Enter my wiser self . . . oh yes, she eventually showed up.  She told me it was time to take care of myself and that it was something I should have been doing all along.  What?  Take care of myself during the ED storm?  Yes, she said, especially during the ED storm.  That was counterintuitive!  Yes it is, she calmly whispered, yes it is.  You cannot serve from an empty vessel, she said.  Wise self started to pay attention!

I’m a bit stubborn, so I had a steep learning curve.  My wiser self was very patient.  She gently nudged me where I needed to go.  Go to therapy she said, so I did.  Join Mothers Against Eating Disorders on Facebook.  Why?,  I said.  Because, she said.  So I did.  It was and remains to this day a place of healing and support.  Then my wise self said, you may want to attend the retreat.  What retreat? I said.  Hope Network Retreat, she said.  Sure, I said, I can do a few days in San Diego and help some moms.  Wise self said, good.  Wise self knew better.  

Wise self knew it was her time to take care of herself.  Wise self learned that self care is not selfish, but necessary.   ED leaves many victims in his path and I was one of them.  I decided to not be a victim any longer.  It was time to let go of “that which does not serve me”.  After three days of tears at the Hope Network Retreat, I realized just how much needed to go.  How much was no longer necessary.

I learned to be accepting of myself.  I learned to trust myself again.  I learned to say “no” without that wasted emotion called guilt.  I learned I was okay, me!  I was OK!  I began to make decisions based on what was best for me.  

The ED years were filled with anger, tears, resentment.  It will take some time to put all of those to rest.  Recovery, for me, is knowing my daughter's eating disorder was not my fault.  I will no longer be a victim of ED.  He is no longer welcome.  It’s my turn.  

They Just Don't "Get It"

In my discussions with parents regarding their loved one's eating disorder, I often hear of the difficulties with people who just don't "get it". The comments are hurtful. The comments cut. The comments bring us to tears. The comments make us angry. The comments make us wonder why. Wonder how family and friends can be so utterly clueless.

 I do believe eating disorders fall into a category of blame and choice. It's easier to place blame and assume it is a choice than to truly try and understand the pain and the proven science behind the illness. While I do know some people comment with the best of intentions, those intentions are misguided. Would you tell someone who has a loved one with cancer that their behavior is a choice, so that is why they have a scary illness? Would you tell someone who has a loved one with diabetes that it's their fault because they modeled poor eating habits? No, you would not.

 I am at a loss for words to explain the heartless comments and the unthinkable hurt they cause. Acceptance of that fact was hard for me. We need to hang onto what we know is true. We know it is true that it is not our fault. We know it is true that this disease shakes us to our very core. We know that this disease takes so much away. We know that this disease cannot be understood unless it has mowed you down, too. I am thankful that people don't understand. I would not wish it on anyone. (Well, maybe for one day -- then they would get it!). They won't get it. They can't get it. We can only hope our voices will make a difference. We are strong. We are loud. We can make a difference.

Respect yourself and don't allow others to make you feel otherwise. We have been through enough and we don't need other people's opinions of us to make it worse. Know that and tattoo that on your soul. Unless they have walked with you, they just don't know. You can tell them that.  Then you can walk away.

Change . . .

Change.  We need to change.  It needs to change.  You need to change.  Change. Change is difficult.  Change is needed.  A situation not working?  You need to change it.  This is what we hope to do in October.  Hundreds of people will converge on Washington at the M.O.M. March to raise awareness of the needed changes in eating disorder treatment.

Not 1 more.  One more what?  Death.  No one needs to die from a treatable mental illness.  Daily, these souls are denied needed treatment due to lack of coverage by insurance companies.  They are turned away.  It's unconscionable and it needs to stop.  We need your voice and we need your help to support The Anna Westin Act.

The Anna Westin Act (Anna's Law)

I had the honor of spending some time with Anna's mother, Kitty, a few months ago.  To say she is remarkable is an understatement.  Through her pain, she has continued to help others and this law, in honor of her daughter Anna, is the necessary CHANGE that needs to happen.

Truth is that without CHANGE, eating disorders will continue to take lives.  We can CHANGE that.  Will you be part of that CHANGE?

Join us in Washington.  It will CHANGE you.

March Against ED

Goodbye Dad . . .

Today is Mother's Day . . .  I know for many of you,  this day can be a difficult one.   It is for me as well.  My mom has been gone for 27 years and I still miss her the most on Mother's Day.  It is just a reminder that she is no longer with us.  I try to find a way to celebrate that honors her . . . honoring is a nice thing to do.  We can also honor ourselves.  Remember that!

The year started out as usual for me, with hopes of bringing to bloom new ideas and goals.  Life does have a way of throwing you a nasty Nolan Ryan curveball when you least expect it, however.  It did for me on January 27th when my husband and I found my father on the bathroom floor.  He had fallen while putting on his clothes.  This was his second fall in five days.

The next two months were followed up with hospitals and doctor appointments, surgery and more doctor appointments and an eventual stay at a nursing and rehabilitation facility.  Dad despised every minute of it.  He wanted to go home.  At 92, he was out of his comfort zone.  I felt very torn as to what I knew he needed and what his wishes were.  I had to keep him safe.  Living an hour away from me was no longer an option.  My sister and I worked on a plan -- oh it was a grand one -- and he would be so happy.  Truth was, dad was not happy.  He continued to decline and at the end of March we made the difficult decision, at his request, to stop all medical intervention.  He passed away on March 29th, a week shy of his 93rd birthday.  Signing those forms as his power of attorney was not easy.  I had to remember he entrusted that task to me over 20 years ago and it was time I respected what I knew he wanted.  His daily needs were no longer a concern.  He was at peace.  He was reunited back with my mom.  That was a great comfort.

It is difficult packing up a life.  A life well lived.  A man well loved.  A son.  A brother.  A husband. A father.  An uncle.  A grandfather.  A great grandfather.  A friend.  He had many and had outlived most of them.   Having both of your parents gone is a strange feeling . . . almost a disconnect.  When mom died, I still had dad.  Now dad is gone.  These wonderful parents who raised me and provided for my every need, who taught me difficult lessons, who loved me -- are gone.  It hits me at strange times, different moments and my heart feels heavy.

It is now time, however,  to move forward and get back to those lofty goals I had in the beginning of January.  That is what they would want me to do.  Keep looking ahead.  Follow your heart, your dreams,  if you make $5.00, save three and spend two; go slow.

I will, mom and dad, I will  . . .

A Network of Hope and a Little PTSD

This past December, I was fortunate to be able to attend the Hope Network Mom's Retreat in beautiful San Diego.  I was encouraged to attend by one of the parents in my support group.  You see, I preach self care to them all the time and was telling them about the retreat.  One parent piped up and said, why don't you go?  Me?  Yes, you.  You are always telling us to take care of ourselves . . . etc., etc., blah, blah . . . ok, ok, I decided to go.  If nothing else, I would learn some self-care techniques to pass along to my families.

What transpired that weekend was beyond anything I could have imagined.  My daughter was recovered from her eating disorder, so "what was the point in going?" I asked myself.  I quickly discovered what the point was.  It was me.  ME.  Me?  Really?  Yes, ma'am.

As we gathered together for the first time -- 2 coaches and five moms -- it was evident something special was about to happen.  We introduced ourselves and started sharing our stories.  Each one was heartbreaking, each one was different, each one was ours alone.  The pain in our eyes -- that was pretty much the same.  Hurt, anger, resentment . . . it was all there.

We listened, we cried, we laughed, we had some wine -- it was good.

We learned how to embrace JOY in the midst of sadness.  We learned how to accept what happened and see the need to move on.  We learned that life is unpredictable.  We learned to not judge others. We learned self-acceptance.  We learned there are no wrong answers.  We learned that PTSD is very real.  It's not about moving on, it's about remembering.  We can move on, but in all the remembering, that is where the true pain resides.

For me, personally, I had a huge AHA moment -- isn't that what Oprah calls them?  When a light so big goes off in your head it blinds you from the inside out?

I realized in a moment that the work I do to help families truly brings me fulfillment.  It may not always be fun -- eating disorders are not something that you associate with fun -- but helping families to know that this is not their fault and to relieve them of their self-blame is very satisfying.  For them to connect with other families who "get it" is huge, comforting and downright necessary.

I needed to stop listening to that voice in my head (probably some evil twin of ED) telling me that I needed to find something else to do.  Something that was fun.  I learned to listen to my heart, not my head.  My heart is more rational than the mental gymnastics in my head anyway.  I had to learn to be accepting of my own choices regardless of what others thought.  I needed to start liking myself again.
It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, yet one of the most freeing.

You do not need the approval of anyone to follow your heart.  When you live with a family member with a mental illness (yes, eating disorders are a mental illness, not a choice),  it can cause you to question yourself daily.  You are constantly being reminded by the eating disorder voice that it's your fault, you are to blame. It is hard to trust your own voice.   I need to learn to trust mine.  I'm working on it and it feels pretty good.

One of the first changes I made upon returning home was to donate my entire bin of "self-help" books to the library.   It was brought to my attention that by hanging onto them, that perhaps they were a constant reminder of where I felt I was lacking.   Wow!  I felt lighter already.  Thanks, Becky.

I will continue to listen to my heart, my inner compass.  I will continue to pray each day.  I will continue to trust myself.  I will start liking myself a little more.  I will continue to  eliminate from my life "that which does not serve me."

Not sure what that looks likes, but it will be interesting when I find out.  I'll keep you posted.

The Good Works of Social Media

I am not a huge fan of social media.  I believe folks just share too much of their personal lives for all to see.  There are, however, very positive aspects of social media.  Mothers Against Eating Disorders (MAED) is a Facebook group that is a powerful force and a wonderful support system from warrior mommas all over the world for those who have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.  It is a closed group, so you must be approved in order to be able to join.  It is quite wonderful.

Recently, I felt compelled to reach out to all the moms, especially the new ones starting out on this journey.  Here is what I shared with them and would like to share with you:

Good morning Dear Mommas ~

As I sit here and read these posts -- especially from the new moms -- I want to come and hug each and every one of you. I want to talk with you personally and give you some hope and light in the darkness you are experiencing. In looking back over the years ED invaded our home and took over our lives the memories are painful indeed.

I know we all want our kids to be happy. That is a mother's dream. However, when ED shows up, they become something we can hardly believe. This, however, is what I want you to believe: Your loved ones have been taken hostage by this disease. They are still there, just unable to find their voice because the one in their head is so loud and constantly reminds them how useless and worthless they are. While your loves ones are still under 18, you need to make some tough decisions for them. They are incapable of seeing what is best for them. They cannot trust themselves, so they trust ED. Will they (ED) get angry? You bet.

For so many years, I parented this disease out of guilt. My decisions made me feel better, but it did nothing to help my daughter. I was so afraid of causing anger, that I walked on eggshells and gave ED a comfortable place to live. I needed to grow a spine of titanium! The threats were ugly, mean, hurtful. However, I adopted the mindset that she could be mad at me for the rest of her life. I had to do what needed to be done to see that she would have a successful life.

Recovery around life, not life around recovery. You cannot have one foot in recovery. You need to be all in, all the time. If they are not well, their life will be one painful struggle after another. It takes time -- years sometimes -- and it is exhausting. Self care is mandatory. Mirror for them what you want for them. When they see us crying and out of control ourselves, it only reinforces what the ED is trying to convince them: look at what you are doing to your family. You are worthless. My daughter shared that tidbit with me after her recovery. I never looked at it that way.

I understand each family dynamic is different and sometimes there is nothing we can do. What we can do, however, is take care of ourselves. Sometimes the change we want, needs to start with us.

Above all else, love them. They are hiding behind the mask called ED and it takes time to trust themselves, love themselves and find themselves.

Know I am always available for a phone chat should you ever need anything. All you need to do is ask. I never want any one of you to feel alone through this journey. We need each other and I thank God each day for the MAED group who reaches out to us all to keep us afloat.

Hugs, kisses and hope to you all. Hang in their Mommas -- you are stronger than ED ever could hope to be. Lean on us, cry with us.

So, dear families.  Never loose your grip on hope.  Hope is what keeps us moving, giving and loving.  

What ED Gave to Me

We read often about what the ED took away from us -- so much and too numerous to mention. I often think what did ED give me that may have been positive? Was there anything at all? Yes, there is.

I have met some of the most amazing people through this journey. Their courage and grace has held me in awe. My faith resurfaced, stronger. I learned a lot about myself. I got stronger in ways I never knew possible. My compassion deepened. I judge less. I accept what comes. I never, ever, ask anyone -- anymore -- if they have lost weight. It's always "it's so good to see you".

I've learned to trust less, trust more, trust me. I have learned that you cannot go through something as tough as battling ED and not be a different person on the other side. ED did give me some gifts. Not all were wrapped in pretty packages and colorful bows. Some were ugly. I learned with each up and each down. I learned what I could control and what I could not. Most times I learned I could not. I hit my knees more often and prayed for guidance and help. I talked less and listened more.

I learned that the light at the end of a tunnel was sometimes a train heading straight for me. I learned to dodge that train. I learned not to panic. I learned not to make decisions when I felt desperate. Desperation lends itself to bad decisions. I learned to reach out and really did not care how I was judged or how my family was looked upon. I learned that everyone is going through something and sometimes a smile or a small word of encouragement can change someone's day. I learned tasks can wait, but a serene walk cannot. With every step and every mistake and every heartbreak, I learned. I am still learning.

So, look for the good in this day. It's there -- buried somewhere beneath the pain and the hurt and the fear. Don't let fear be in charge. Don't let exhaustion win. Nurture your soul. Nurture your heart. Nurture your spirit. 

Guest Blogger -- Wonderful Insight

I wanted to share with all of you a letter I received from a lovely woman who has recovered from her eating disorder.  She had contacted me and asked me what it was that I thought the members of the support group needed most.  That is a loaded question -- there is so much we need.  On a very basic level, we just do not know what to do sometimes.  The day to day care takes its toll and we just need someone to throw us a rope so we can just hang on.  I thought her response was very good and I have her permission to share it with you:

In service to creating more peace, love, and a stronger recovery for those with an eating disorder, I have compiled some invaluable tools I wish my family would have implemented when I was in recovery. I learned how to cultivate these qualities on my own, and I want others to have access to what helped me.  I believe this information will provide much needed guidance to parents as they move through the process of recovery. 

A little about my journey that would have been helpful for others to understand:

At the most basic level, I was terrified.  I was terrified before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and into my initial recovery.  In the recovery phase I felt like I was being asked to die, which I know sounds a little morbid, probably because it is! But, this is what many who struggle with an eating disorder experience… that level of terror.  This needs to be understood and taken into consideration. I cannot emphasize this enough because until a great degree of empathy can be cultivated, a sense of alienation will exist between parent and child.   

As the parent, one of the most powerful things you can do, in my opinion, is really try to imagine what your child is experiencing.  It does not have to make sense to you (the fear of fat for example) because you can still attune to what it feels like to be filled with fear or powerless.  All of us know what these feelings are like.  Put yourself in their shoes for a day.  Why?  Because this will breed a deeper level of understanding and heart connection, which is essential on their journey back to health.  Your child needs your love above all else.  The thing with this is, to know it is not enough. To mentally understand your child needs love is not actually delivering the love.  So how do you do this, how do you remain loving when you yourself are scared?

The first thing is to be in charge of your own inner-world. When fear prevails within you, your words and actions are different than if you are rooted in the love and understanding that you can do this. You both can do this. I know it is hard, but many families have walked this and have made it through.  The ones that make it with the most ease and grace, are filled with members who are each choosing to take ownership of his or her inner-state.  Rather than being a victim to the situation, what needs to happen for you to empower yourself again? 

If you find yourself spinning out, what choices could you make to help you re-center yourself? Do you need to make a phone call, go for a walk, or pray? Whatever it is, if you are grounded within yourself, you are providing your child with an anchor they can count on. In my own life, I never felt I had that anchoring in my home, and the value of it would have been out of this world. This lack of feeling safe inside of oneself is such a huge part of an eating disorder, and although you cannot change their inner-world directly, you can affect it indirectly. Be the example. Be the rock. Be the one who learns how to find her own footing, no matter what is happening.  Children need this.  I needed this, and I doubt I was different than other young women who are experiencing an eating disorder. 

Another huge and powerful consideration as a parent is in developing a sense of compassion for your child’s sense of self.  Can you hold compassion for the degree of inner-judgment that is a part of eating disorders? If you cannot, how can she?  Until your child can learn how to do this for him or herself, you are the teacher.  Compassion is an art, and unfortunately often dismissed as a weak and feminine healing tool, which is ironic because an eating disorder feeds off lack of compassion. Compassion for the self is the most courageous act anyone can ever partake in.

I would suggest taking some time to imagine what it would be like to exist within a body where you truly believed that you were disgusting or terrible. Not just felt this way, but believed it to be true. What would this mean for you? What would your life be like? How would you feel and what choices would you make?  Again, put yourself in their shoes to know what is going on for them.  We heal through compassion, not being “fixed,” which just insinuates that there really is something inherently wrong with us.  And an answer, the magical formula of the diet is a just another way to stay rigid and reinforce the “good and bad” duality of suffering.  Letting go can be done, people just need guidance on how to do this. There are professionals and spiritual teachers that can be the teacher when the student decides he or she is ready.

It took me many years to peel back the layers of the onion, and I would have loved to have an advocate, cheerleader, strong and stable presence, and most importantly to have learned through example how to be compassionate with myself.  Just like Ghandi says, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can be this for your child. You can be their guide to self-love, self-compassion, and a grounded presence.  This is what is going to help them more than anything else- a loving and strong parent.

Finally, my last nugget here is to be mindful that you do not associate being loving with your child with being a push-over.  When I use the word loving, I am referring to the highest possible good.  Sometimes what the highest good is for someone is not what he or she wants.  This is where it may become about you… if you are having a hard time with implementing the highest good for your son or daughter because it triggers you, then the work becomes about clearing up what needs attention within your own being so you can show up as the most powerful and amazing version of you possible. Taking care of you is taking care of your child.

More important than what you are doing, is how you are being.  And you will always know if you simply check in with yourself and attune to what is happening inside of your body. If I can help with some tools to assist the parents learn how to do this, I am more than happy to assist you in that way.

It is my hope that you found this helpful. My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing challenges at this time.  If you have questions on what I have shared with you, please feel free to contact me directly at lbwirth@gmail.com.  I would be happy to pass along more information to you or to set up a time to talk.

Many Blessings,

Lesley Wirth

www.livingurtruth.com

Guilt -- An Emotional Waste of Time

Happy 2014!


Each year, as a Christmas gift, my husband gives me a devotional.  It is comprised of a daily scripture reading and then a short devotional on how to apply it to our lives today.


The devotional for January 4th really spoke to me personally.  It is entitled "You're Not Built for Guilt". 


Guilt can be an overwhelming emotion, especially when you have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.   I hear it constantly, I feel so guilty . . ., I should have known . . ., I should have gotten help sooner . . . and on and on it goes.  We really beat ourselves into the ground.


Truth is, we could not have seen this train named ED coming through the long, dark tunnel.  How could we possibly prepare for what was ahead?


In this particular devotional, the author, Joyce Meyer, states:


"If we drag the guilt from past mistakes along with us, we'll never make progress toward true freedom and joy.  Your future has no room for your past.  How much time do you waste feeling guilty?"


Truth be told, I wasted a lot of time feeling guilty and it did prevent me from moving forward to the present.  If we drag all that guilt baggage along with us, our progress forward will be greatly hampered.  As she said above, our future has no room for our past.  Let's let it go.  Leave the past in the past and look ahead at what needs to be done.  We cannot change what was, but we can change how we face the future.   Guilt will slow us down, weigh us a down.  What good can it possibly serve?  Move on.  Forgive yourself, as God forgives us.  Start now - start today.  One day at a time.  Do not allow guilt to dwell in your heart.

Be Careful of "New Normal"

What exactly is a "New Normal".  It can take on many definitions.  However, be careful of New Normals.

New Normals are another form of an excuse.  When a family is new to the eating disordered world, they sometimes do not realize just how unbalanced their life has become.  An eating disorder is very insidious.  You sometimes do not see that the behavior of your loved one is completely out of control.  It is as though we almost become numb to their demands and their irrational behavior.

 We make excuses that they are "not that bad", "not that skinny", "not isolated from their friends", "they eat, but only really healthy foods", "they do not like it when I ask questions", etc. The excuses and their New Normal life continues with the eating disorder in complete control.  I know, I was there.  Our home life had become toxic.  No one spoke to one another for fear of what might happen.  We walked on eggshells.   We were afraid.  We were unhappy.  We let the eating disorder control the environment like a small tyrannical czar.  We also did not see what was happening.  It had become our "New Normal". 

It wasn't normal.  There was nothing normal about it.  It took a very skilled therapist to help me see what was happening.  It also forced my husband and me to take our power back as parents.  We could clearly see that the eating disorder was in control and that our "New Normal" was not normal and that our family was in trouble.  We needed to step up as parents and stop being afraid of this intruder called ED (acronym for eating disorder). 

We were prepared to do whatever it took to get our daughter to a healthy place in her life so she could  be successful.  We needed to adopt the mantra "Recovery around life, not life around recovery."  Recovery was first, everything else took a back seat.  School could wait, recovery could not.  It was difficult and it got worse before it got better.  However, once we took our power back from ED, it made both my husband and I stronger.  We worked as a team, together, not against one another as ED would have preferred.  See, ED likes to divide families and isolate his victims. 

As that scene in a very famous movie says "Be afraid, be very afraid", I say, do not be afraid -- you can conquer ED, as long as you conquer your "New Normal" as well.

My Rant to Good Housekeeping Magazine

Good afternoon ~

I usually do not write to magazines.  However, the September issue of Good Housekeeping, in short, totally ticked me off.  I like this magazine.  I like the recipes.  I like the articles (most of the time).  This issue, however, had a few items in there that I felt were very troubling.  The one that really got my heart pounding was their "Best tip we've heard this month" on page 77.  It states:

"Trick yourself into feeling full:  When study participants were given teaspoon-size sips of soup, they consumed 30% less than those whose premeasured mouthfuls were larger or who took as much as they wanted." 

SERIOUSLY!!! 

They also have an article entitled Rev Up Your Metabolism!  

Snippets such as these are not harmful to the general public.  However, if someone is struggling with body image issues, an eating disorder or has an unhealthy relationship with food, these can be damaging.  I felt very compelled to write them a letter.  Do I think it will get too far?  No.  It will go into the general e-mail file, but it sure made me feel better to write it.  We need to start speaking out against the need for an unrealistic definition of beauty and take a stand against the multi-billion dollar dieting industry.  Here is my letter:

Good afternoon ~

 I have been a lifelong subscriber to your magazine loving the advice, recipes, etc., you generously share with your reading audience.   I want to comment on your September issue depicting Trisha Yearwood on the cover.

 First, a little background.  My daughter suffered with anorexia for seven years.  This is not a mental illness I would wish on any family.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  People die from this disease.  I work with families who have a loved one with an eating disorder.   Their stories are heartbreaking and some have lost their daughters to this disease.  I believe, as a society, we need to stop putting so much emphasis on dieting, weight loss and appearances.   You cannot pick up a magazine without the “diet of the week” plastered all over the cover of the current issue.  It’s troubling. 

 To that end, there are a few items that I would like to take issue with in your September magazine. 

 On the cover:

~ Boost Your Metabolism – Foods that spark weight loss

~ Inside Trisha’s Fridge
~Trisha Yearwood – I’m 35 pounds lighter!  Her simple eating plan

 

Inside pages:

Page 42 – depicts a picture of the inside of Trisha Yearwood’s refrigerator

Page 77 – Best tip we’ve heard this month.  You go on to mention how you can trick yourself into feeling full. 
Page 89 – The Best Scales
 
While this may not seem to be damaging to you, to someone suffering with body image issues or in the throes of an eating disorder, these types of messages you are sending are dangerous.  Your “Best Tip” on page 77 is probably one of the most insane things I have ever read.  People suffering with eating disorders or those dissatisfied with their bodies read snippets such as these and it can open a door to something very ugly.  Also, highlighting the best scales is not necessary.   People with eating disorders weigh themselves constantly.   We do not need to see pictures of the latest scale with all the bells and whistles.  I haven’t owned a scale in years and I do not intend to invest in another one.    Also, depicting the inside of a refrigerator?  Bad idea. 

 Read  Ellyn Satter’s definition of normal eating:

 Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be under eating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

 In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

 
I would challenge you to publish an issue that has nothing to do with dieting or weight loss tips of any kind.  Publish an issue on what it is like to eat normally. Focus on the HAES (Health at Every Size) movement.  Talk to the National Eating Disorders Association.  Talk to parents and friends who have a loved one suffering with an eating disorder.  Hear their anguish and listen to how we have changed our view of what is beautiful.  I no longer comment on someone’s appearance.  I always say “it’s so nice to see you”. 

 Our obsession with weight loss in our society has taken a turn for the worse.  People are suffering due to an unrealistic expectation of what is beautiful and acceptable.   When did it stop being OK to be who we are?   I hope you take to heart and really think about what you are publishing in your magazine.   Become aware of what message you are sending to your audience. 

 

Let's all be aware of the messages we might be sending.  Let us be mindful of what is real and authentic in people.  L

 

Good afternoon and happy Monday ~ 

I do not watch much reality TV, but there is one show I find particularly interesting:  Catfish

It's premise is to connect people who have been chatting via the internet, with one usually deceiving the other in some way.  These people profess their love for each other without having ever met face to face.  It is interesting to see what drives individuals to maintain an online relationship and believe what some faceless someone is telling them about themselves.

I watched an episode recently that made me very sad.  In this particular episode, both individuals were pretending to be someone they were not.  They were truthful about their names, families and other situations in their lives.  What they were not truthful about was their appearance.  They each sent photographs to each other that were not what their true selves looked like.  The young lady sent photo shopped "thin" pictures of herself, while the young man sent a photo that depicted a very shapely man with six pack abs.

During the investigative process, it was discovered that the photos of the young man were not quite accurate.  He was confronted and very hesitant to meet this young lady.  She, in turn, wanted to meet him, but was scared due to the fact she had lied to him about her appearance.

They did end up meeting, she being more shocked than he was at what the other looked like. 

What struck up a sadness in me was their need to conform to some standard of appearance as to what is acceptable in today's society.  They both were ashamed of their appearance and did not like going out in public for fear of being judged and criticized.

What is happening?  When did it stop being acceptable to be who we are?  When are we going to stop judging people based on their appearance?  When will we learn to accept ourselves?

Take a stand, be courageous, set a good example for others.  Acceptance -- it's not that difficult. 

The two people in the Catfish episode mentioned above were going to visit one another in their respective states and see how it played out.  They seemed like good people.  It is a shame that society's standards prevented them from realizing that for themselves.  I hope in my heart that they find happiness with each other and learn that their appearance does not define or limit them.

Additional "mom" thoughts . . .

Following the last blog entry, here are some thoughts from the mother of our guest speaker.  All I can say is "I concur".  These are very good:

 

In hindsight, I wished that I had been better able to stand up against ED sooner  than I ended up doing.  In those days I thought that doing what my daughter wanted (like late nite grocery store runs) was helpful to her and would make things easier for her at a time I knew things were plenty difficult. I  But what I now see is that what I ended up doing was making things easier for ED… creating a comfy place for ED to roost…a place where ED called the shots and bullied everyone in the family.  I see now that although standing up to ED may have elicited a negative response from my daughter at the time, in the long run she needed her parents to take that strong position against the disorder because she herself could not do so.  I also realize that standing up to ED earlier was not likely to have made any difference in the duration of my daughter’s journey to recovery, but it WAS likely to have made me feel better about not being pushed around by the disorder, and  it MAY have created a better home environment where we had better boundaries.

  

I am a firm believer in doing things that “support recovery”.  You could hear me say that phrase over and over when faced with questions or situations that sounded more like “ED speak”.   I would say to my daughter things like, “Doing (xyz)  doesn’t  support recovery”  or  “Buying only xyz kinds of foods doesn’t  support recovery”.  It’s a nice way to address the issue while letting your loved one know where you stand.

 

As your loved one gets more rooted into recovery, sometimes it’s easy for parents to forget that struggles still come up for them.   Continue to be mindful of careless comments about body, looks, weight, size, how much the person sitting in the restaurant next to you is eating, etc.  I was reminded recently by my daughter that hearing me complain about my changing body was hard for her to hear.  Still learning! 

 

Good stuff and we thank her for sharing some additional insight.  I especially like her thoughts in the second paragraph.  We must always remember to not give the eating disorder any additional power or control.  We all want to avoid the rages of the eating disorder behavior -- it can get ugly, but cowering to it's threats will not make it go away.  Strength, perseverance and consistency is the key.

Saying to them when they are being irrational, statements such as "Honey, I love you, but I will talk with you when I feel respected," will let them know they are loved while still setting a very strict boundary of what you will and will not tolerate.     

 

 

 

A Different Perspective . . .

Last Monday at our support group meeting, we had the pleasure of having two guest speakers.  A young lady who has recovered from her eating disorder and  her wonderful mother.  They were able to provide the group with a perspective only derived from someone who has "been there, done that".

During their nine year journey the mother watched her daughter struggle to gain independence over her eating disorder and the daughter finally reached a point where she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

The meeting was emotional on so many levels.  I think the one realization that is hard to come to grips with as a parent is that this is their journey, their path and they must choose their recovery.  Each family dynamic is different, however, and we must always be ready to intervene when it is medically necessary.

I am listing below the comments I received from parents following the meeting.   I asked for their "ah-ha" moments.  If we can find a way to look at this differently, change our perspective, it can be very valuable.  Here is what they had to say --

One statement that resonated with me was that even though sometimes she would tell her mom she was "fine", her mom would know that she wasn't really fine some days. Her mom would make it a point to be there with her daughter.  She seemed to be comforted by the presence of her mom. Even if she didn't realize it at the time, she seemed grateful for that now.

Say I love you, and I believe in you.

Never answer the question "how do I look?"    Simply respond by saying “I am not going to respond to that question.”

Don't engage the ED behaviors - walk away.

Keep meal conversations on the light side.  She said she was already stressing out with food issues and didn't want to talk about that.

Mom said one of her hardest realizations was knowing that ultimately her daughter was the only one who could control her recovery.

She  said she wished she had signed up for more activities when she started college as a means of distraction, or to stay socially engaged.

 When you see your daughter is feeling low, bad, anxious, take a moment not to talk about ED or "it". Never bring that up or ask about it unless she does and then just let her talk.   Just say to her, " I believe in you; I love you; and I know  that you are working through everything that you need to in order to be well."

 Even though she may not want food care packages when she is away at college, she does want notes, cards, silly fun games or puzzles, fuzzy socks etc.  They are reminders that she is loved and supported always.

 Food is stressful,  don't ever use meal times to talk about heavy topics (i.e., grandmas illness, tasks that need to be completed, problems between siblings, etc.) Keep meal times fun with light conversation, talking about funny YouTube videos, silly pet shenanigans, family vacations, etc.

When she yells at you that she is FINE and needs hers space and to just get off her back, she is probably NOT ok.  FINE may stand for screwed up, insecure, not ok, neurotic, emotional.   When she says that and she's most angry, tell her you love her and believe in her. Tell her that you are here to listen.  Play scrabble, take a walk.  Don't talk about “ED” or “IT”.   Let her talk if she will.  IF she won't talk, then give her some space and then say it all again later.

It may take a day or two for her even to talk to you and it may not be about what's bothering her but she knows she is good and loved and capable and that you haven't given up on her.

 If your daughter asks you if she looks fat in an outfit or asks you to comment on how she looks, DO NOT say you're always beautiful, or you look great or fine,  just say, " I'm not answering that question." DO NOT ENGAGE  in that conversation, as it can be very triggering.

During recovery struggles or transitions (coming home from college for the summer, holiday breaks, etc.) it is ok to simply not buy binge trigger foods.  Let her work with her counselor or buy the item(s) herself as she feels ready to take that challenge.

 When your daughter is having a bad day or a relapse,  that may be when she goes back to her meanest outbursts....when she does that,  she is most likely/comfortable responding like she would at the age of the beginning of her diagnosis.  If she began her disorder at 14 and she's been in recovery for 3 years and has a bad day, she may yell at you in the way a 14 year would instead of a 17 or 18 year old. The emotional maturity seems so be slower but don't lose hope, it does happen, just slower.

She said just having her family be there and not necessarily saying something to them when they are upset or having a bad day/battling ED. 

Keeping her busy after a meal!  Going for a walk, playing cards or her playing the piano .

 

You will notice some of the "ah-ha" moments are very similar.  This tells me our struggles are the same in many ways.   We experience the same heartache, the same frustration and the same sadness at feeling so utterly helpless. 

 

I learned many lessons during my daughter's struggle with anorexia.  I realized it was not my fault; however, I did contribute to it's longevity (with the best of intentions, mind you!)  As stated above, it is important to not engage the behavior.   It is not easy.  The whole situation makes no sense to us; however it shouldn't make sense.  Eating disorders are not sensible!  They are ruthless and destructive.  Don't let it bring you down, too.  Do not give it any more power than it already has.  Stand strong and do not be afraid.  Take the wind out of it's sails.  Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.   This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Remember to breathe, remember to pray, remember your child is there and fighting to find their own voice, struggling to trust themselves again.

 

Seasons of Life

I believe life is comprised of different seasons -- not the ones provided by the changes in the weather -- but the ones provided by life's circumstances.

Seasons can be quiet, seasons can be difficult and seasons can be just hard for us to understand.

The season of my daughter's eating disorder was difficult.  It consisted mainly of anger, frustration and sadness.  Anger at the situation, coupled with the frustration and sadness of not being able to fix the situation.  It was a constant merry-go-round of the same emotions and it was exhausting.

Looking back on that particular season of my life, I view it much differently now.  Does it still make my stomach lurch thinking about those days?  You bet.  It was not fun.  It was hard -- every day was hard.  Living daily knowing that this eating disorder could take your child's life in a whisper was hard.  Parents have often described it to me as "a living hell".  I cannot disagree.

It made me a bitter person.  It took therapy and a return to my faith to help me see that the change needed to start with me.  I needed to learn to forgive, not only my daughter but myself as well, in order to start moving forward with a life that I had basically stopped living many years ago.  The eating disorder had stolen my joy. 

Seasons.  My current season of life is good.  Very good.  This past Spring I read a wonderful book entitled "One Thousand Gifts" and what a gift it was.  The author dares you to live fully right where you are and, despite your circumstances, to find joy in even the most tragic of situations or circumstances.  That book really rocked my world and my thought process.  Really?  Find some joy, something to be thankful for in each situation?  Really?  Truly?  Yessiree! 

I put it into practice a few weeks ago as I lay beside my wonderful dog and companion of almost 11 years as she took her last breath.  Her illness came on suddenly and within three days she was gone.  As the doctor gave her the injection that would end her suffering, I thanked God for her loyalty and the happiness she brought to our family and found my joy in being able to give her this final gift.  I was able to smile a little and it made the pain lessen just a bit.

Having a loved one with an eating disorder brings so much pain and heartache both emotionally and physically upon us.  If we can find something, even one thing, to be thankful for at the end of the day, the burden will be lighter, even if it is for just a moment.  Own that moment and be thankful in that moment.

In this season of my life I am enjoying my first grandchild.  Watching my daughter care and nurture her son is, well, joyous!   Spending time with her is different now.  The pain of the past is a memory and through all that heartache it brought us here, to this season, of a new birth and a new beginning.

 

What One Thing . . .

Good afternoon ~

Those of us who have been through the trials of having a loved one with an eating disorder, often get asked the same question -- what was the one thing you did that helped the most.

For me, honestly, I just do not know.  I can only say that it was when I started taking care of myself and stopped being afraid of the disease itself.  I stopped looking at myself as another victim of the disease.

Recently, we had a young lady come to the support group and she was asked what her mother did that was most helpful during her struggle with her eating disorder.  She stated "she never stopped believing in me."  Very simple, but very powerful.

Those that are in the throes of this disease, believe they are not worthy of getting healthy -- they believe the lies the eating disorder constantly tells them.

If we, as their loved ones, never lose hope, never stop believing in them an their ability to recover, we are sending a powerful message to our loved ones and to the eating disorder itself.

New Changes in the New Year

Welcome 2013 ~ 

As we hear about resolutions for the new year, I do ponder what I wish would be different or could be different.  It really comes down to what I can control and what I cannot.  What I choose and what I do not choose.

One thing I do choose is happiness.  I believe happiness is a choice.  However, just because we are happy does not mean there is no pain or difficulty in our lives.  Life is full of hard times and tears -- that is what keeps us human.  

I try to find a few things each day that made me happy and I write them down.  The sun will set on this day and the sun will rise again in the morning to start a new day.  We do not know what that new day will bring, as that is one thing we do not have control over.  What we can control is how we respond to that day.  

It really is easier said than done -- it does take practice to keep your focus on that glass being half full instead of half empty.  

That is my goal for this new year -- to be happy.  To thank God for all His blessings and know he has my back.  

The Dreaded Holidays

The Holiday Season is upon us.  For most families, it is a time of joyous celebration.  We celebrate this season in many different ways.  However, most of these celebrations are focused around food and for those suffering with eating disorders it is a time of tremendous anxiety.

At our last meeting, we had a young lady share with us her journey through anorexia and bulimia.  She has been behavior free for one year.  However, the Holidays were a time of great angst for her and as they approached, her anxiety increased which also increased her eating disorder behaviors.

The individuals present at the meeting wanted to know how she came to recover and what tips did she have for navigating the Holidays.  

Her answer about recovery was quite simple -- she got sick and tired of being sick and tired.  She wanted to get better.  She wanted a life outside of her disorder.  She stayed in treatment and worked hard to accept herself.  She set boundaries with friends and kept people around her that were not toxic to her recovery.  If it meant severing a friendship, then so be it.  It was not easy, but she is happy with who she is and we applaud her for that.

She now looks at Holiday meals as just that -- another meal.  It's a time to nourish our bodies.  We do not need to stuff them beyond capacity, but if we want another piece of pie -- that's OK.  She commented on how common it is for people to not eat meals prior to having a Holiday dinner.  Our bodies still need food and to wait until late afternoon to nourish our body is just not a good idea.  I agree.  It is just another meal in our day.  What is a young child thinking when he sees mom or dad not eating all day to justify eating a meal later in the day?  Something to ponder, isn't it. When did they acquire labels such as "good" and "bad"?  Food is food.  It nourishes us, it satisfies us.  It is not our enemy.  

How many times have you said "oh, I'm going to be bad and have dessert" or "I was so bad today, I had a piece of cheesecake".  It's just food.  Be careful what messages you are sending.  

People come in all shapes and sizes.  When did it stop being OK to be who we are?  

What Would I Have Done Differently?

I often get asked the same question:  If I had the ability to change the past, what is the one thing I would do different in the way I dealt with my daughter's eating disorder.  Quite frankly, there are many things I would do different.  However, if I had to pick just one . . .

I would not be afraid.  I would not give the disease any power over my own emotions.  My fear of her illness gave her eating disorder a comfortable place to live.  Because I did not want to cause any upheaval in the house, I walked lightly and did not say much.  As a consequence, the eating disorder behavior and the eating disorder voice grew stronger.  As it gained strength, I became more fearful.

Treatment has come a long way in the last ten years -- thank goodness!  Parents are more involved in the process of recovery and it is important that we not be afraid of this disease.  We must take a firm stand against it's accusations, it's blame, it's threats.  Are we scared?  You bet we are!  That is why it is so important to get help for ourselves through this journey.  I cannot say that enough.  It was a pivotal point for  my husband and myself.  We learned better ways to cope and we also learned to recognize the eating disorder voice and not to fear it.  We learned to be strong and we learned to stand united.