Do individuals recover from eating disorders?

Good afternoon and happy Monday!

At our last support group meeting, a new member posed a question that fostered quite a bit of discussion.

Is it possible to recover from an eating disorder?

My response:  Absolutely.  I believe with all my heart that you can fully recover from an eating disorder. 

A few individuals at the meeting felt that their loved ones would be plagued by it all their life -- that it was just not possible to fully recover.  Perhaps for some people, sadly, that might be true.  Recovery requires very difficult work, commitment and a tremendous amount of pain.  You have to work at it every day and seek support from others and give up control of a disease that has become part of your life.

We also talked about dual diagnosis.  Dual diagnosis is when you have an eating disorder, coupled with any other addiction or mental or emotional illness, i.e., depression, anxiety, substance abuse.  It is not uncommon for those suffering with an eating disorder to also suffer from another form of emotional pain or addiction. We see many common personality traits among those with eating disorders such as anxiety and perfectionism.

When family members talk about recovery, they need to understand that much of these personality traits are hardwired into the individual and they need to learn new and constructive ways to cope rather than falling back on their eating disorder behavior.  It will require a professional team of doctors, therapists and nutritionists to help them see that their eating disorder is not their best friend.  Learning to trust others is difficult.  It takes time and families need to learn to be patient.  Do they want quick results and an easy fix?  Sure they do.  I did.  I thought that after being in treatment for six months, my daughter was fine.  She was doing well physically; however, her emotional healing took a very long time.

Family members need to understand it takes time to change behaviors and it takes time to learn new ways to cope with the anxiety, depression or other emotional issues.

Jenni Schaefer, author of two wonderful books, "Life Without Ed" and "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me", talks about her recovery process in "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me":

I am grateful that people who had been through it themselves told me, "It is possible to be fully recovered from an eating disorder." Knowing that in recovery could become fully recovered was pivotal in my life, so I like to offer that same hope to others today. 
 

Many people out there are at the same place I am in regard to their eating disorder, but they prefer to keep saying that they are in recovery as opposed to being recovered. They believe that the moment they say they are recovered is the moment they will relapse. The phrase "in recovery" reminds them that life is a process and that there is always room to grow. Of course, an important part of my being recovered encompasses this life growth as well, so you might be thinking that this is all a lot of semantics. 

To further confuse you, a friend of mine who's in recovery from alcoholism and an eating disorder actually uses both terms. She says that she works a recovery program daily and is thus in recovery. But quoting the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, she also says that she is "recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body." 

Each person's road to recovery is different.  They need to do their work and we, as family members, need to do ours.  Sound simple?  It's not.  Eating disorders and all their emotional baggage are a family disease that can take us down roads we never imagined.  We have to be open to change, if we expect our loved ones to recover.  They won't be the same person after recovery and neither should we.

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to speak to a class at the Pleasant Hill Campus of JFK.  This class was part of a certification program for those therapists wishing to specialize in eating disorders.   I was asked to do a presentation and talk about what it was like to have a loved one with an eating disorder.  What was it like to be on the front lines every day.  At times, it is difficult for me to go back to those days but I have to put aside the anxiety it may bring in order to help other therapists assist parents through their own journey.

Following the presentation, I was asked many questions -- one question in particular gave me pause -- I had to really think about what to say.  The question was, during my daughter's childhood, would I have done anything differently.  Yes, I told this therapist, there were probably many things I would have done differently; however, the one that was foremost in my mind was that I would not have been so dismissive of my daughter's feelings.

A common thread that runs through eating disorder patients is that they are very sensitive -- they have many antennas, and they feel and cope with situations on a very emotional level.

When I was a child I was taught to just tough it out -- suck it up -- sometimes life is hard and you just forge ahead and not complain about it.  As my grandmother told me once (and this is a direct quote) "you need to take life as it comes and shut up about it."  Please don't misinterpret my words -- my family was very loving and kind but they came from a tough stock of Italian immigrants.

Unfortunately, that was how I dealt with my daughter.  Unfortunately for her, this was not a good idea.  She learned her feelings didn't matter and that perhaps how she felt was wrong.  I needed to let her feel her emotions and also to reinforce that there is no right or wrong way to feel -- feelings are feelings.

So my answer for this therapist was to listen more, fix less and not dismiss how a child was feeling.  It does not matter if their feelings seem irrational to us -- what matters is that those feelings are very real to them.  Let them have a voice and listen.