Whose in Charge?

I had lunch a few days ago with a mom and dad whose daughter is suffering from anorexia.  The exhaustion on their faces was evident; the dark circles under their eyes telling me that sleep was not on their agenda.  They told me of their daughter's "rages", how they are afraid of what to say and do for fear she will become upset.  I shared with them my own experiences of my daughter's similar behavior; or, should I say, the behavior of the eating disorder.  It is important to distinguish between the two.  Those "rages" are the eating disorder letting you know it is large and in charge.  Catering to this behavior will only make it stronger.  Pretty soon the whole family is "walking on eggshells" afraid to cause any upset.  This is what the eating disorder craves.  Control -- control over their environment and it's inhabitants. 

We live in fear each day knowing our loved ones could die from this disease.  Letting it rule the roost is not the answer.  I encouraged these parents to get help for themselves and to find some normalcy in their lives.  Their other children need healthy parents and they need to mirror what they want for their ill daughter -- good health and happiness. 

When those "rages" occur simply say something like "honey, I love you, but I will talk to you when I feel respected."  In that simple statement you are telling the eating disorder, very clearly, what you will and will not tolerate. It sends a powerful message:  I love you, but until I feel respected, there will be no dialogue.  Not engaging the eating disorder causes it to loose steam. 

I always encourage parents to talk to their treatment team before implementing any change.  I can only tell them what worked for me and what I learned through the many years of my daughter's illness.