Monday, February 3, 2014

Guest Blogger -- Wonderful Insight



I wanted to share with all of you a letter I received from a lovely woman who has recovered from her eating disorder.  She had contacted me and asked me what it was that I thought the members of the support group needed most.  That is a loaded question -- there is so much we need.  On a very basic level, we just do not know what to do sometimes.  The day to day care takes its toll and we just need someone to throw us a rope so we can just hang on.  I thought her response was very good and I have her permission to share it with you:

In service to creating more peace, love, and a stronger recovery for those with an eating disorder, I have compiled some invaluable tools I wish my family would have implemented when I was in recovery. I learned how to cultivate these qualities on my own, and I want others to have access to what helped me.  I believe this information will provide much needed guidance to parents as they move through the process of recovery. 
A little about my journey that would have been helpful for others to understand:
At the most basic level, I was terrified.  I was terrified before my eating disorder, during my eating disorder, and into my initial recovery.  In the recovery phase I felt like I was being asked to die, which I know sounds a little morbid, probably because it is! But, this is what many who struggle with an eating disorder experience… that level of terror.  This needs to be understood and taken into consideration. I cannot emphasize this enough because until a great degree of empathy can be cultivated, a sense of alienation will exist between parent and child.   
As the parent, one of the most powerful things you can do, in my opinion, is really try to imagine what your child is experiencing.  It does not have to make sense to you (the fear of fat for example) because you can still attune to what it feels like to be filled with fear or powerless.  All of us know what these feelings are like.  Put yourself in their shoes for a day.  Why?  Because this will breed a deeper level of understanding and heart connection, which is essential on their journey back to health.  Your child needs your love above all else.  The thing with this is, to know it is not enough. To mentally understand your child needs love is not actually delivering the love.  So how do you do this, how do you remain loving when you yourself are scared?
The first thing is to be in charge of your own inner-world. When fear prevails within you, your words and actions are different than if you are rooted in the love and understanding that you can do this. You both can do this. I know it is hard, but many families have walked this and have made it through.  The ones that make it with the most ease and grace, are filled with members who are each choosing to take ownership of his or her inner-state.  Rather than being a victim to the situation, what needs to happen for you to empower yourself again? 
If you find yourself spinning out, what choices could you make to help you re-center yourself? Do you need to make a phone call, go for a walk, or pray? Whatever it is, if you are grounded within yourself, you are providing your child with an anchor they can count on. In my own life, I never felt I had that anchoring in my home, and the value of it would have been out of this world. This lack of feeling safe inside of oneself is such a huge part of an eating disorder, and although you cannot change their inner-world directly, you can affect it indirectly. Be the example. Be the rock. Be the one who learns how to find her own footing, no matter what is happening.  Children need this.  I needed this, and I doubt I was different than other young women who are experiencing an eating disorder. 
Another huge and powerful consideration as a parent is in developing a sense of compassion for your child’s sense of self.  Can you hold compassion for the degree of inner-judgment that is a part of eating disorders? If you cannot, how can she?  Until your child can learn how to do this for him or herself, you are the teacher.  Compassion is an art, and unfortunately often dismissed as a weak and feminine healing tool, which is ironic because an eating disorder feeds off lack of compassion. Compassion for the self is the most courageous act anyone can ever partake in.
I would suggest taking some time to imagine what it would be like to exist within a body where you truly believed that you were disgusting or terrible. Not just felt this way, but believed it to be true. What would this mean for you? What would your life be like? How would you feel and what choices would you make?  Again, put yourself in their shoes to know what is going on for them.  We heal through compassion, not being “fixed,” which just insinuates that there really is something inherently wrong with us.  And an answer, the magical formula of the diet is a just another way to stay rigid and reinforce the “good and bad” duality of suffering.  Letting go can be done, people just need guidance on how to do this. There are professionals and spiritual teachers that can be the teacher when the student decides he or she is ready.
It took me many years to peel back the layers of the onion, and I would have loved to have an advocate, cheerleader, strong and stable presence, and most importantly to have learned through example how to be compassionate with myself.  Just like Ghandi says, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You can be this for your child. You can be their guide to self-love, self-compassion, and a grounded presence.  This is what is going to help them more than anything else- a loving and strong parent.
Finally, my last nugget here is to be mindful that you do not associate being loving with your child with being a push-over.  When I use the word loving, I am referring to the highest possible good.  Sometimes what the highest good is for someone is not what he or she wants.  This is where it may become about you… if you are having a hard time with implementing the highest good for your son or daughter because it triggers you, then the work becomes about clearing up what needs attention within your own being so you can show up as the most powerful and amazing version of you possible. Taking care of you is taking care of your child.
More important than what you are doing, is how you are being.  And you will always know if you simply check in with yourself and attune to what is happening inside of your body. If I can help with some tools to assist the parents learn how to do this, I am more than happy to assist you in that way.
It is my hope that you found this helpful. My heart goes out to all of you who are experiencing challenges at this time.  If you have questions on what I have shared with you, please feel free to contact me directly at lbwirth@gmail.com.  I would be happy to pass along more information to you or to set up a time to talk.

Many Blessings,
Lesley Wirth

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